Part Sixteen

Spike sighed before continuing in a very quiet voice, “I’d never…” He glanced up at Xander before looking away again and his Adam’s apple bobbed. He took another deep breath before going on “I never thought I was going to wear clothes again, you know? When you got these for me the other day? You wouldn’t understand how much it…”

His voice had changed and sounded husky and he had to clear his throat in order to continue. “An’ just now being able to dress myself again…” He looked back up at Xander. “I’m so bloody grateful, Xander. Thank you.”

Xander slowly sat down next to him.

“It’s good to see you like this again, Spike. Dressed and… healthier…” He bit his lip. “Look, I know I can’t imagine what you’ve been through but what I saw… “

Now, it was Xander’s turn to take a shuddering deep breath. “I wanted to throw up. I wanted to hit something. Wanted to kill those bastards! Wish I could have… But… I’m really happy that you’re happy again.”

“Happy?” Spike said in a barely audible voice as if trying out the word. He bit his cheek and swallowed. It didn’t seem as if he quite liked the flavor. He covered his mouth with his hand, which he had clenched into a fist as if he was about to cough or throw up. The hand was shaking. In fact, Spike’s entire body was shaking. Spike put his hand slowly back down into his lap and turned to look at Xander with a grave expression. His eyes seemed far older than the hundred or so years that were already weighing them down.

“What I’m happy about is that you didn’t try anything stupid, Xander. They would’ve killed you ‘fore you got a chance to get away. You did good, pet. You got me out… An’ you’ve been bloody kind to me. No one’s ever been this kind to me. Do you know that? Do you know how much that means to me?”

Spike’s gaze was very intense and Xander looked away, nervously fiddling with a loose thread on the couch before replying.

“You deserve it, Spike,” he simply said. He lifted his head and looked back at Spike.

“You’re a good man… And I want you to know that I know that I didn’t give you a chance back then. In Sunnydale, I mean. I knew you’d changed. Even before your soul. And after… I knew! But I never told you. Been regretting that for a long time now and... I think you’re a hero, Spike. A champion and,” Xander drew in a steadying breath and continued because he had to say this. “And what was done to you. To you – was just so wrong. I couldn’t have lived with myself if anything had gone wrong that night at the brothel. I knew that before I saw you on that fucking screen. Before I heard how they…”

He shook his head trying to get rid of the memory of the lewd, demeaning comments which the guards had been using about Spike.

“I’m just so sorry for what’s been done to you,” he whispered and looked at Spike.

Spike was picking at his nails, looking withdrawn and bleak. After some seconds in silence, Spike slowly looked up.

“Well, pet,” he said. “Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget it. Don’t think I can… I changed down there, Xander. I… lost myself… Sold myself for petty acts of mercy. And now I’m… filthy.”

He let go of his nails and lifted up his shaking hands, spreading out his fingers. “All I see is filth. Corruption. I can hear them, feel them. But most of all, I can hear myself giving in to them. Offering myself… Begging!” He spat the last word out.

He squeezed his eyes shut and threw back his head in clear disgust. The muscles in his cheeks flexed. When he opened his eyes again, they were red. He glanced at Xander and Xander tried to swallow but couldn’t quite do it. His throat was closing up, a burning of discomfort filling it, and his heart was aching.

Spike stared distantly at the floor. “I’ll never be happy,” he said in a barely audible voice. “Don’t know if I ever was. But I do know that I’ll never be what I was. ‘Cause what I was, was just an act. Down there, it was all laid out in the open. They tore me apart until the real me was all that’s left.” His jaw muscles worked before he continued in an angry voice. “An’ the real me is a pathetic. Frightened. Poncy. Whore!” The last word was nearly a shout and a tear rolled down and landed on the edge of his cheek bone.

“See?” he shouted angrily pointing at the drop before rubbing it away furiously with the back of his hand. “This is what I am,” he almost roared. “A bloody cry baby good for nothing but gettin’ it up his arse! Happily doing so if it means, I won’t get beaten bloody or worse. An’ you know it ‘cause you saw it for yourself!”

His face crumbled and he sank down and sobbed helplessly, covering his face with his hands. Then he made a strangled, disgusted sound and turned away, hugging himself tightly. He was trembling, and crying and Xander couldn’t bear it. He leaned forward and grabbed Spike’s arms. Pulled them away from their tight grip before taking hold of Spike’s shoulders and turning him around to face him.

“Listen to me. You’re NOT pathetic, Spike! And you are NOT filthy or a whore or a coward, you hear me? ANY man in your position would’ve done what you did. What you HAD to do!”

He shook Spike a little to emphasize his words. “Please Spike, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t let them! They aren’t worth it. You’re a goddamn hero, and a good man and a great person to be with. And you deserve to be treated with love and respect! I won’t have you think any differently ‘cause it’s WRONG!”

Spike blinked and his eyes stared helplessly and lost at Xander. More tears trickled down his cheeks and Xander pressed his forehead hard against Spike’s. Now he was crying too. He gathered Spike in his arms and pulled him in for a tight embrace. Spike tensed a little, and he shook but he didn’t pull away. Xander squeezed him in order to steady him. A small hitching sob of misery escaped from Spike’s lips and Xander bowed his head and let his cheek rest against Spike’s. He rubbed it lightly against Spike’s trying to comfort him as best he could.

Knowing that Spike was in so much pain was breaking his heart. If only he could make it go away! Xander sobbed, feeling lost. Couldn’t stop himself. It was so damn unjust! He cried as he felt Spike’s arms come around to encircle him. Hesitantly at first, but then they grabbed hold of him for real and the two of them were hugging and holding on to each other tightly. Xander gently rocked them to and fro. Or maybe Spike did.

When they finally drew apart, Xander looked sadly at Spike’s wet face and red eyes. He rubbed off some of the tears with his thumb and reached back behind Spike’s neck and pulled Spike forward and placed a small, tender kiss of comfort on his brow and moved to place one on his lips as well.

Spike’s eyes flew wide open and met Xander’s briefly, before he made a throaty, desperate sound that was either a sob of relief or a gasp of defeat. He groaned into Xander’s mouth and kissed back. It was a desperate kiss. Hard and almost painful. For a second, Xander wanted to pull back. But when Spike’s hands grabbed hold of his arms and Spike’s lips kissed his in earnest, it was hard to pull back and stop anything. Spike’s whimpering gasps in between his kisses sounded desperate. All Xander could do was feel and follow, and give Spike what he needed.

He kissed Spike’s eyelids, and cheeks. Kissed his temples, and nose, and his jaw line. Kissed his chin and earlobes and Spike reciprocated with a fervor that left Xander breathless.

They let go of their arms and held on to each other’s shoulders and necks now, kissing and kissing, and moaning. Spike couldn’t seem to get enough and Xander’s mind was reeling. He felt Spike cup his face and kiss his jaw as he in turn began kissing a soft line from the corner of Spike’s scarred eyebrow to his ear and back again to his nose. When he was nearly there, he was met by Spike’s hungry mouth covering his own instead. Spike’s tongue pushed in and swept over Xander’s. Now it was Xander’s turn to groan out loudly as their tongues were tangling, lips sliding over smooth surfaces, teeth clacking against each other, and faces constantly turning and twisting in order to reach each other as deeply and as thoroughly as possible. They were both whimpering now and Xander had to pull away in order to catch his breath and Spike moaned desperately and panted into his ear “God, Xander, oh, god, I need you. I need this. Need this so much. Please. Don’t stop. Oh god…” Spike kept on begging, his hands digging into Xander’s shoulders, waiting for Xander to catch his breath. As soon as he had, Spike was all over him, kissing him desperately and almost aggressively before pushing him down on the couch. Spike reached down and tore off his shirt before leaning down and grabbing hold of Xander’s shirt and ripping it in halves in order to be able to press his face, his lips, his chest, and his hands against Xander’s body in frantic searching motions. His hands roamed over Xander and Xander felt Spike’s hard cock pressing into his thigh and he groaned and arched his body to get closer to Spike. His own cock had gone just as hard as Spike’s and his pants had become moist where the tip of his cock touched the fabric. He could feel Spike kiss and lick and nip at his neck and shoulders, and oh, god, suck at his nipples and his eye rolled back in ecstasy. Spike’s hand glided down to cup and rub at the bulge in Xander’s pants as he continued to gasp and kiss and caress. Xander groaned and threw his head back, arching up again and nearly coming from the overwhelming sensations, Spike was causing in him.

“So warm,” Spike gasped in between kisses. “So kind… So… bloody nice to me… You’re so… You’re so… You’re……” Abruptly, his ragged sounding voice stopped. He took a long shuddering breath and then “Oh. Oh, no! Oh god, what am I doing?” Spike moaned and stopped moving altogether.

Still gasping, he pressed his forehead hard against Xander’s chest and moved his hand away from Xander’s crotch to squeeze and hold on tightly, almost painfully on Xander’s thigh.

He lay panting for a moment, his whole body shaking before whispering in between gasps “Sorry. So sorry…God, I can’t… Xander, I’m so sorry…” He sniffed. “Xander, please,” he whispered and there was such despair in that whisper. “Please will you hold me? Just… Please, don’t let go of me.”

“Never,” Xander whispered and he placed his hands firmly on Spike’s back, curling his fingers so that they dug lightly into the skin. Spike gasped in relief and his tight grip on Xander’s thigh loosened as all the built up tension seemed to leave him entirely. He collapsed down onto Xander’s chest and Xander increased the pressure from his hands on Spike’s back. I’ll hold you, Spike. As long as you need me to. Don’t ever wanna fucking let you go.

They lay still then. Spike halfway on top of Xander, his cheek pressed against Xander’s chest and his hands resting on Xander’s sides and Xander rubbing Spike’s back in gentle, soothing, firm motions. Gradually their breathing quieted down. Their erections wilted away. Who passed out first in an exhausted sleep was impossible to say.

Part Seventeen

Xander woke up with a rumbling stomach. He was still lying on his back on the couch but Spike wasn’t anywhere to be seen. He looked blearily at his watch. Nearly 10 p.m. Fuck. He rubbed his eye and pushed himself up into a sitting position and lifted his feet off of the couch. He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees and covered his head with his hands. Shit! He’d gone too far. Hadn’t been able to stop when Spike had reciprocated that kiss. It was supposed to be nothing more than a chaste peck of comfort. And it had felt like the right thing to do when he’d leaned in to do it and he’d certainly never meant for it to turn into caresses, and moans and tongues, and hands. But he’d gone along anyway, because it had felt so fucking great, although he knew that Spike was traumatized and emotionally out of balance and couldn’t want what was happening! Perfectly aware that Spike needed all the comfort and gentle attention that could be lavished on him, but not sex! And it was too late now. He hadn’t even been the one who’d stopped it. Spike had had to do that all by himself. Fuck! He groaned into his hands, frustrated and feeling guilty and ashamed beyond words.

Shakily, he got up and stood there for a few seconds, uncertain about what to do next. He’d woken up hungry but now he’d lost his appetite. He sighed unhappily. Spike’s t-shirt was lying crumpled on the floor. He gathered his own torn shirt about him, feeling miserable and lousy. Where had Spike gone to when he’d left? And how? And what if he’d been so upset about what Xander’d made him do, that he’d done something to harm himself? What if he’d somehow managed to kill himself? In a near panic, Xander all but ran into the bedroom.

And found Spike lying on his stomach on the floor just inside the bedroom door. His feet towards the bed, his head towards the open door. He was sleeping with his head resting on his arms. The covers on the bed were lying in a heap on the floor. Shit.

Xander licked his lips and swallowed nervously. Christ. Spike had dragged himself all the way in here trying to get as far away from Xander as possible. How was he ever gonna make up for this? How was Spike ever gonna trust him again? He leaned back against the wall. His legs were shaking badly and he sank ungracefully to the floor with a thunk when his knees refused to hold him. He leaned his head back against the wall and felt like the complete and utter piece of shit that he was. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He bowed his head in shame and rubbed at it with his hands in tired worn out motions. Christ he was such a loser! Such a fucking egotistic loser! It had taken one week to prove that for a fact. Sure, Spike. I’ll take good care of you. Yes, Spike, I’ll make you forget all about those assholes that used you and abused you and just wanted your body. Don’t you worry about a thing, Spike! You’re safe here with me ‘cause I’m nothing like that!

When he looked up through his fingers, he was met by Spike’s piercing eyes and was unable to look away. He let his hands fall down limply down.

“Spike, look…” he began, his voice faltering. He licked his lips and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, man. I’m so sorry. I got carried away and I shouldn’t have. I’m so, so sorry.”

Spike lifted his head a bit and frowned at Xander. He looked disturbed and confused and his gaze flickered. “Yeah? Well,” he said. “I’m…”

He frowned and tilted his head a bit before saying “You’re sorry?” He shook his head, looking bewildered.

“Don’t know what you’re sorry about. It was me who… I’m all bollixed up, Xander. Don’t know what to do an’ what not to do any longer. S’been so bloody long an’… an’ I just don’t know anymore. I read too much in what I sense from you. Go too bloody emotional. Too needy. It’s just… It’s all a mess in here, inside my mind. I know that! But I honestly don’t know what you’re sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong, pet. It’s me who’s the sick bastard, not you.”

Xander snorted. “And that’s why you left me on the couch and dragged yourself back on your fucking arms all the way back in here? Why you tried to get up on the bed and hide under the covers? Yeah, right, Spike! You know, I appreciate that you’re trying to take the blame but I know about the Stockholm syndrome, and PTSD, and even I am not that stupid anyway. I used you! When you started kissing me back, I took advantage of you. I wanted you and I know that you sensed that. That you reacted to it. But you don’t have to do anything that you don’t wanna do! And I know you don’t want me. I’m Donut Boy, the Zeppo, remember!” He snorted angrily. “Hey, you don’t want me or any other man and I don’t blame you. But right then and there, I just didn’t care and you acted on that. It’s what you’ve been forced to do for so damn long. What you felt you had to do. No wonder you stopped when you realized what was going on!” He took a deep needed breath of air. “Fuck, I’m such an asshole, Spike! But I swear to you, I don’t wanna use you or take advantage of you. And I won’t ever put you or myself in such a situation again. You gotta believe me. Please?”

Spike looked at him, frowning, his mouth half open. Then he shook his head.

“No! Yes. I believe you and no, you got it all wrong. You listen to me now. I dragged myself back to bed and tried to get up on it, yeah! But not to get away from you! I wanted to get away so that you wouldn’t have to look at me first thing you woke up and remembered what I nearly made you do! I know you don’t want that, Xander! Know you’re into girls. Know that what I sense from you is affection and care and I’m bloody grateful for that! Haven’t sensed affection for so bloody long, and it’s like bleeding ambrosia to me! Don’t know how to separate one feeling from those other ones. Those you don’t really feel for me. Those of lust or want or need. An’ I got them wrong when you kissed me! Bloody hell, Xander! An’ when I couldn’t get up on that sodding huge bed of yours, I had to lie there on the floor, feeling like a bleeding idiot! Had time to think then, didn’t I? And I realized that I had to get my sorry poncy arse back to you an’ apologize soon as you woke up! Was just too bloody exhausted to make it any farther than here, that’s all! Must’ve passed out on my way. Bugger!”

Spike pushed himself onto his back and threw his arm over his head.

Now it was Xander’s turn to blink and stare in open-mouthed astonishment. He pulled his knees up and hugged them as he sat there trying to process what’d been said. Spike had wanted to apologize to him? Because Spike had felt bad? Wow, that was just… That was just about the most idiotic thing Xander had ever heard. Spike felt bad for having turned him on? Xander wanted to laugh. It was so fucking absurd. There was nothing that he wanted more than to be with Spike. He was fucking in love with the man! He paused.

Yeah, that was the truth, wasn’t it? He was in love with Spike and Christ, did he want to be with him! Kiss him. Taste him. Make love to him. What he wouldn’t give to be allowed to make Spike feel so freaking good that he might, if only just for a few seconds, be able to forget all the wrongs that’d been done to him.

Xander sighed. He was still Donut boy and he shouldn’t forget that. As Spike had said, Spike’s head was a mess. When Spike was feeling better physically and mentally, he would realize that he didn’t need anything from Xander and certainly not tender kisses and lovemaking! Would probably think back on the couch incident feeling like a complete fool because how far out was it that Spike had wanted to touch and kiss Xander in the first place? But maybe, hopefully, Spike would be able to forgive him and forget about it and they could still be friends? Because Xander would really like that. As much as he wanted Spike to get better, he knew that it would be really hard not to have him around any longer.

“Xander?” Spike asked in a tired voice. “You must be bloody hungry. I know I am. Let’s… Let’s just get something to eat and tomorrow we’ll get to work with getting me back on my bloody legs again, all right?”

¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

A couple of weeks had gone by and Xander was back at work.

Spike and he hadn’t talked more about what had happened between them that night but Xander no longer slept in the bedroom. Spike hadn’t said anything about wanting him to stay and he hadn’t said a word, when Xander had carried his pillow and comforter back into the living room that same night after having tucked Spike in. All Spike’d done was to turn his back on Xander as Xander had picked up his stuff from the bed. It was the wise thing to do, then. It made Xander feel completely unhappy and alone, but it couldn’t be helped.

Spike had been training adamantly on his own using his crutches every day since then and was now able to walk around the apartment, using only one crutch.

Last Monday, when Xander had gotten back home from his first day of work, Spike had worn a clumsy bandage made from a rag tied around his foot and there’d been traces of blood on the kitchen floor. A glass had been lying in shatters among the blood smears on the floor. It had been one of those tall ones, standing right next to the mugs up in his wall cupboard. Spike had mumbled an apology and told Xander that he’d dropped one of the crutches and lost his step when he’d tried to heat up some blood for breakfast and accidentally hit the glass on the shelf. He’d tried to clean it up but, as he said, it’d been “too bloody difficult what with the crutches an’ all.”

He’d obviously been embarrassed and Xander hadn’t known what to say. Because whenever he wanted to comfort Spike, it just didn’t work out the way he wanted it to, did it? He could hardly look at Spike without blushing or without his heart beginning to pick up speed. Everything was just so fucking awkward. So he’d just shrugged and cleaned up the mess and offered to take a look at Spike’s foot which Spike had refused. Xander was feeling bad about the fact that Spike had cut himself and angry at himself for not having prepared a thermo for Spike with mugs standing ready on the counter in the first place. Since that day, he’d made sure that heated blood and mugs were easily assessable.

But now it really didn’t matter because Spike didn’t need any help from Xander anymore. He could move around and dress and bathe all by himself. That was great of course, but it also meant that Xander had no reason for touching Spike and Xander missed touching him. He’d liked the feeling of Spike’s body relaxing as soon as Xander put his arms around him. Known that Spike hadn’t minded those hugs and small gentle caresses. And he could see that Spike wasn’t doing great even though his physical state was improving. Sometimes, he looked so goddamn lost and vulnerable and Xander wished he could just walk over to him and at least put a hand on his shoulder to let him know that he wasn’t alone. But he didn’t dare.

They hardly looked at one another anymore, and nearly didn’t talk when they sat in the living room watching TV. In a way, it was like living together in Sunnydale again only worse.

Whenever Spike accidentally made actual eye contact with Xander, Xander’s heart jolted painfully in his chest. His pulse sped up and he had to bite his lip to keep from stuttering an apology for being so attracted to Spike. It was like being back in high school again. He felt so fucking insecure and out of place all the time.

But it hurt to watch Spike and not be able to truly talk to him. It hurt that he was no longer able to reach out and give Spike a hug whenever he could see that Spike was in need of one. But even though Spike’s blue eyes were clearly miserable, he never asked for any comfort and so Xander couldn’t give any to him.

Day in and day out, all he could think of and worry about was Spike. For instance, what was Spike thinking when he was sitting on the couch with the TV turned off, watching the floor and picking at his nails absentmindedly? And how did Spike feel at night all by himself? Did he still wake up from bad dreams? He had to, didn’t he? Nearly ten years of nothing but hurt and abuse would have to mess up one’s subconscious pretty bad.

He’d told Xander that affection was like ambrosia to him. And now he didn’t get any at all.

When Xander tossed and turned on the couch all by himself, trying to fall asleep, he felt brokenhearted but Spike had to feel much worse than that petty feeling. But of course Spike didn’t want Xander’s affection. He needed someone he cared for to give him what he needed. Still, it was damn hard to keep away from the bedroom. And how did Spike keep himself warm now that Xander wasn’t there to heat up the covers for him? He’d liked that. Xander was sure of it. And what did Spike think when Xander caught him staring at Xander during dinner time? That he couldn’t wait till he was able to leave this place? Or how about, when he in turn caught Xander staring at him?

Christ, everything was horrible and awkward and distressing as hell. If he wouldn’t miss Spike so damn much, it would almost be a relief to see him go. And that was sure to happen any day now.

Part Eighteen

Another long day at work was over and Xander was heading home.

Spike had been able to walk unaided for days now and Xander had bought him a pair of Docs to celebrate it and to try and lure Spike outside without asking him outright to do so. Maybe Xander should have simply asked him but it seemed pushy somehow. So far Spike hadn’t seemed to want to venture outside but it was hard to tell what he wanted or not because he didn’t say much of anything. Not that Xander said much to him either.

Xander sighed. His bleak mood had been commented on at work today during lunch break. One of his co-workers, a guy named Phil had asked him what was wrong. At first, he’d tried to brush it off by telling a little white lie about an upset stomach but Phil had given him a very skeptical look and he’d crumbled and kinda wanted to weep. Thank god, he hadn’t! But he’d told Phil everything. Well, as much as he could. He hadn’t mentioned Spike being a vampire or a former brothel slave but he’d admitted to being hopelessly in love with this guy that he’d known since puberty, who was currently sharing his apartment and that his feelings weren’t returned. He’d told him how he’d known that his friend was having a rough time, was suffering from PTSD and about the kissing initiated by Xander. And he’d told Phil about how awkward they had been around each other ever since.

Phil was a family guy with a big heart and he’d patted Xander on the shoulder as Xander’d sniffed and blown his stupid running nose. “You know,” Phil had said, “from you’ve told me you can’t know what your friend is feeling because you obviously haven’t talked about it. And from what I hear, sounds like your friend enjoyed that kissing, traumatized or not. Go home and talk to him, Xander! Right now all you’re doing’s wasting your time and worrying for no good reason and that’s just plain stupid.”

Phil was wrong of course because he only knew part of the truth but it’d been good to let it all out. Had been good to tell somebody that he was in love, even though it sucked.

Instead of going straight back home to his apartment, he’d decided to give Willow a call. He and Willow had talked several times during the weeks that Spike’d been living with Xander but Spike had always been around and consequently Xander hadn’t been able to tell her about what had happened or how he felt for Spike or how unhappy he was about it. All he’d been able to do was to tell her about Spike’s recovery as it gradually improved. Spike had talked to her as well a few times. He hadn’t said anything either. So Willow didn’t have a clue as to what was really going on and that didn’t feel right. He wasn’t used to keeping secrets from Willow.

Xander’d parked his car and called her. It had been embarrassing in a way. Of course Willow knew about Xander being bi but for him to have fallen in love with Spike of all people was just, well weird. But Willow didn’t think so. In fact, she’d told him that if she wasn’t into girls, she could easily see why Xander would be attracted to Spike. “He’s hot, Xander! Even I can see that. And he’s so different now. He was really a decent guy towards the end that last year and Xander, he’s a vampire! I don’t think he’s homophobic. It isn’t in their nature. You should read some of the reports on vampires’ sexuality. They are not boring, I tell you!” She had sighed and become more serious. “I think he’s hurting, Xander. From what you’ve told me, he needs you. And he’s always been a cuddly type. Yeah, I know it sounds weird but did you know that he and Buffy slept in each other’s arms those last nights? Not doing anything but just holding each other?” No, Xander hadn’t known but now that he knew Spike better, it made perfect sense. Spike did like to cuddle.

“Tell you what, sweetie. I think you should get your butt back home and just hold out your arms. I bet he’ll come to you willingly. And then, just take it from there, okay? You’re a great guy, Xander! There’s no reason why he shouldn’t trust you. Or why he shouldn’t like you. I don’t know if he likes you that way, but I do know that you’ve gotta be the one to open up, Mister! He’s been through so much already and you can’t expect him to do it. You shouldn’t!”

He hadn’t known what to say. It was so freaking scary what Willow suggested. But in a way, he knew that she was right. Spike did need that hug. And they sure as hell needed to be able to talk. It was killing him that they weren’t and he knew Spike was having a hard time too. The dark rings under his eyes matching Xander’s showed that he didn’t sleep well for one thing. Xander didn’t think he was eating enough either. At least not compared to what he used to eat when they were both living in Sunnydale. All in all, Spike probably felt like hell.

He locked himself in. Left his coat on the hanger. Went out into the bathroom. Relieved himself, shaved and took his usual quick afternoon shower in order to wash off all the dirt and sweat from a long day of work. He looked into the mirror. Freshly shaven and washed, he still looked like shit. He grimaced and put on the set of clean clothes which he always left ready for when he came home from work and steeled himself. Picked up the eye patch. Put it down again. He never used it at home anyway. He gave himself one more cursory look in the mirror and went into the living room to bare his soul. Or make a fool out of himself. Probably both.

As expected Spike was sitting on the couch. The TV wasn’t turned on, he was just sitting there, one arm flung over the back of the couch. He was wearing his jeans and one of Xander’s long sleeved t-shirts. The red one. His feet were bare like Xander’s. His hair was curly and bleached. He’d done that a few days ago. Didn’t have any gel in it. He looked positively scrumptious. And lost and very much alone.

Xander swallowed and said “Hey,” in a quiet voice. Spike looked up. “Hey,” he said.

All right, here goes nothing. Xander spread out his arms in an open gesture. Spike frowned and his mouth opened a bit. Something passed over his face and he looked uncertain, scared even. Bet you’re not as scared as me! Xander thought helplessly. Fuck, Willow! Now what?

He took a step forward and looked as Spike’s face paled or would have if it could. He took another step forward; in fact he managed to walk all the way over to the couch and sink to his knees in front of Spike. Spike eyes were huge and unblinking. He stared at Xander as if Xander had somehow sprouted horns, and for a second, Xander had the ugly sensation that this was another big mistake of his before Spike leaned forward so fast that Xander gasped. Spike flung his arms around him and squeezed him so hard, he could hardly breathe. But who needed air anyway? He hugged Spike back just as fiercely. “I’m sorry, Spike,” he whispered. “I’ve been such a fool. But I need you. And if you need me too, I’m here for you.”

“I do,” Spike gasped. “I can’t do this on my own, Xander. An’ I’m sorry too. For needing you like this. For scaring you off. Never meant to come on to you like that. Told you, my head was a mess. Still is pet, but I can’t get better an’ out of your hair all by myself. I just can’t.”

“You won’t have to. And I’m so fucking sorry for what happened that night. Sorry for what I made you do. And for these past weeks. But I can’t lie to you anymore. Don’t wanna lie to you! I… This is awkward but I’m, shit, I just have to say this. And I know you don’t wanna hear it but I think I’m… No, I know that I'm in love with you.”

There. He’d said it. Couldn’t be around Spike and treat him like he deserved if Spike didn’t know about this. And as he’d feared, Spike immediately pulled away. Not entirely but far enough away in order to be able look Xander in the eye.

“In love with me?” he said.

Xander’s face heated. He looked down and said “Yeah. I’m sorry Spike. But everybody knows that I’m bi. Except for you of course. And considering what you’ve been through, it isn’t fair that you don’t know…” He took a deep breath and continued “Because you should have the choice of finding somewhere safe to stay where that won’t be an issue. Where you don’t have to feel trapped… with another man, I mean. But I promise, I’m not gonna…”

His words were abruptly cut off as Spike grabbed his chin and lifted up his face. Spike was frowning at him, his lips pursed. “So,” Spike said. “So what I was feeling, am feeling right now, is true, then? You have the hots for me?” A small smirk worked its way into his features. Christ, his eyes were stunning. And those lips. Man, how he wanted to kiss them!

“Yeah,” he replied brokenly instead. “Know it’s gross to you but…”

“Gross?” Spike looked at him, still frowning. “I would find it gross that someone like you would fall in love with me?” He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling before looking back down at Xander again.

“Pet, you know what it makes me feel? It makes me feel bloody lucky, is what it does. God knows I need to be around someone who likes me for a change. And to hear you say that you bloody love me is… If anyone can help me get back on track, it’s you, Xander. I don’t want anybody else to do it, I…” his voice broke. He suddenly looked very young and scared. “It makes me feel happy,” he whispered. “Yeah?” Xander whispered. “Yeah,” Spike whispered back and burrowed into Xander’s embrace once more. They held on to each other. Xander’s mind was spinning. Christ, he’d said it and Spike hadn’t run screaming away. Man, it felt so good. And it was such a relief!

He took a deep whiff and hugged Spike closer. Mmm, Spike smelled delicious. He allowed for his nose to touch Spike’s neck just a little bit. Spike’s skin felt cool and soft. “Mmmm,” he sighed out loud in happy satisfaction. Spike made a sound he couldn’t decipher and tilted his head a bit, making Xander’s head fall even closer towards him. Xander allowed his cheek to touch that soft, cool crook between Spike’s neck and shoulders and closed his eyes. God, this felt good. He could feel Spike move and copy the posture. That felt even better. He felt Spike’s cheek carefully touch his neck. Heard Spike hum quietly in satisfaction just like he’d done. Christ, this was so much more than he’d hoped for.

“Xander?” Spike whispered. “Missed that warmth, pet. Think I missed you.”

Xander nodded. He wanted to hug Spike tighter, give him some of that warmth but his knees were protesting from staying on the floor for so long so he got up and handed Spike his hand. As soon as Spike took it and rose from the couch, something warm shot up through Xander’s arm and seemed to leap straight into his heart. It swelled inside him and he nearly swayed from the sensation, feeling dizzy and completely and utterly overcome with emotion. They’d never held hands before and Spike’s hand in his just felt so right. Christ, he’d never sensed such a rush just from holding somebody’s hand! His heart thumbed heavily in his chest and he lifted his head in wonder, eye wide and stared at Spike who was lifting his head slowly too. Their eyes met. He couldn’t say what Spike saw in his eye but what he saw in Spike’s face made him gasp. Wonder. Awe. Hope? Spike opened his mouth as if to say something but nothing came out. His breath did that little hitch it sometimes did and he shuddered just barely. Xander smiled. Could feel his smile broaden until he was grinning like a fool. To his amazement, Spike smiled back. They walked away from the couch, still hand in hand, looking at each other. They ended up in the bedroom and Spike let go of his hand and sat down on the bed. He closed his eyes as his fingers curled around the edge of the mattress, knuckles going white. His chest was moving up and down as if he’d been running. He swallowed and the muscles in his cheek worked. He licked his lips and lifted his head, eyes pinning Xander to the spot. Xander’s own breath was just as uneven. His hand was still tingling where Spike's had touched it and his pants were clearly showing just how that touch had affected him. Spike’s lips twitched a little before his expression changed and became serious. He closed his eyes. When he opened them again they looked vulnerable but determined all the same. “Naked,” Spike said in a low voice. “Want to see you naked, pet.”

Xander stared at him and swallowed nervously. But he didn’t look away from Spike’s gaze as he slowly began to unbutton his polo and lifted it up and over his head. Spike ran his eyes down his chest and Xander could feel his face heat as his cock hardened further.

“All of it,” Spike whispered. “Off.”

Spike’s nostrils flared and his chest moved up and down and he looked at Xander with an unreadable look. Xander’s blood was rushing through his veins and he scanned Spike face for some sort of sign. The intensity of Spike’s gaze decided what he had to do and Xander unbuttoned his pants and moved to unzip his fly before he once again halted. He licked his lips and looked back up at Spike searching for a final permission.

“Don’t stop,” Spike whispered. “Want to see you.”

Xander swallowed and slid his jeans and boxers all the way down and stepped out of them. He stood there in front of Spike. Not hiding. Couldn’t hide himself from that piercing gaze even if he wanted to.

Spike looked at him. Really looked at him. At first his expression was tense but then some of the tension gradually left as he seemed to get used to the sight. His fingers loosened their tight grip on the bed and he licked his lips. “Touch yourself, Xander,” he said and looked up shortly at Xander’s eye and away again. Xander’s lips parted. He had to blink rapidly as he moved his hand and took hold of his cock. He stroked it slowly. It had become long and hard and holding it like this in front of Spike was transcending anything remotely real. He bit his lower lip afraid that Spike would find him repulsive. Still, he peered at Spike through his lashes. Spike’s eyes were fixed on Xander’s hand stroking himself, his lips were parted as well and he was panting. His hand was hovering slightly over the growing bulge in his own pants. It was shaking.

Xander watched as it slowly came down to rest on the bulge. Saw Spike take in a sobbing breath. Watched as Spike closed his eyes and cupped himself more firmly. Watched in awe as he saw something like pain, and then like utter relief flutter through Spike’s beautiful features. Gingerly, Spike’s hand rubbed the straining fabric. Xander grabbed himself firmly in order not come right then and there. Watching Spike like this was quite simply the most sexy and liberating sight Xander had ever witnessed. He bit his lip hard when Spike moved to unbutton his pants. Nearly whimpered when Spike’s hand closed around himself. Xander squeezed his own cock hard, now. Spike’s eyes were still closed and he was panting as he continued to caress himself slowly. Shit, Xander couldn’t take it anymore. “Fuck, Spike, you look so beautiful,” he whispered. “I’m gonna come just from looking at you.” Spike didn’t reply but he opened his eyes and got up slowly and pulled off his t-shirt. Then he pushed his jeans all the way down and off. He was shaking a little, which gave a little painful twinge in Xander’s heart and made his cock falter a bit but even so Spike still looked too damn hot for Xander’s hard on to wilt completely. Spike’s cock was semi erect, and long and pale and beautiful. Spike was breathing in short, shallow puffs and he had an oddly decisive look on his face, despite the faint tremors in his body.

“Good,” Spike replied and did another one of those short and deep inhalations, that ended in a hitch and made his shoulders shudder. “I want to see you come. In bed. With me.” And he reached out and took Xander by the arm and dragged him onto the bed. Xander followed without hesitation and was guided onto his back by Spike’s hands. “Xander,” Spike whispered. “Xander,” and he crawled closer and draped himself over Xander’s body. Xander groaned. Fuck, ah, fuck. “So bloody warm,” Spike whispered and closed his eyes as he lowered his head to lie down fully on top of Xander.

Their cocks were touching and Xander arched his back a little and squeezed his eye shut. Christ! Oh, god! Spike’s body felt lithe and cool and perfect. Gingerly Xander placed his hands on Spike’s perfect ass. The skin was cool and he delighted in how quickly it warmed to his touch and spread out his fingers to cover as much of it as he could. Spike moaned a little. He squeezed the globes lightly not daring to do too much and oh, Christ, he was gonna come just from this too and he heard himself groan. Soft lips on his own shut him up. Closemouthed, soft kisses. Xander opened his eye and moved his hands away from Spike’s ass and placed them on his back instead and pressed equally soft kisses onto Spike’s mouth. God, Spike’s lips were soft. So fucking soft. They parted a little and their kisses turned slightly more daring. Tongues carefully traced lips and teeth. Tasted. Spike was looking at him now and his eyes looked serious and questioning. Xander deepened the kiss and watched as Spike’s eyes slowly closed again. Fuck, his whole body felt like it was on fire. And Spike’s cool tongue ran around his and it was unbelievable. God, he needed more. He wanted to show Spike how much he valued him. Wanted to hear and feel him unravel beneath him.

Xander gently rolled them over and continued kissing Spike’s face, tracing the muscles in Spike’s arm with his free hand, moving it down to caress Spike’s fingers, one by one. He let go and caressed Spike’s hip as he closed his eye and worshiped Spike’s mouth in earnest. He opened his eye and saw that Spike had a pained frown on his forehead even though he didn’t stop their kissing. Xander could feel that Spike’s body had grown a little tense and he eased back. “Please,” he whispered. “Let me touch you like this. Let me,” and he kissed Spike’s nipple, “let me taste you like this.” Spike made a small whimper and shook. “Not gonna do anything you don’t want me to,” Xander whispered and licked the other small nipple. “Not gonna push you into anything.” He licked his way back to the first nipple. He traced his tongue around the soft, puckered skin, felt it tighten and become hard and bit it lightly. He let go and lifted his head and looked at Spike. Spike was breathing through his mouth, panting. His eyes were half closed and glazed. Xander dragged himself up so that he was eye to eye with Spike. “Spike?” he whispered. “Are you okay with this?”

Spike’s eyes slowly turned to meet his. “Help me,” he whispered. “Please, please don’t stop. I need this. Need you. Help me?” Xander nodded and bowed his head and pressed his lips to Spike’s open, panting mouth, and Spike groaned. His hands shot up and forced Xander’s face down, meshing their mouths together. Xander traced his tongue over Spike’s teeth and plunged his tongue deep inside and Spike moaned and kissed him back once more. “You’re wonderful,” Xander whispered. “I love you,” and was rewarded with a sobbing, desperate groan. “Please, Xander!”

Xander gently cupped Spike’s head, while straddling him and kissed every smooth angle on that beautiful face. He stopped and kissed Spike deeply once more and was rewarded with another groan. Fuck, a man could drown in those kisses! Almost reluctant to let go, he raised himself up in a sitting, straddling position. Saw how Spike’s hands were back at gripping the sheets tightly. “Spike,” he whispered. “Spike, I’m gonna make you come now. Wanna make you come so bad and it’ll be so good for you.” “Nngh,” was the only reply, Spike managed as he arched upwards, still holding on to the sheets. Xander slid downwards and without preamble took Spike’s cock into his mouth. Spike gasped and one of his hands immediately shut up backwards, grabbing hold of the headboard.

Xander took hold of the base of Spike’s cock with his hand, and slid his mouth over the length and down as far as he could go without swallowing. He pulled back, adding pressure with his lips and swept down again, all the while gently massaging Spike’s cock at the base. He let his tongue run in circles around the foreskin and felt how it rolled back and exposed the shiny spongy head. His hand let go and cupped the balls now, sliding over and around them in random motions. He broadened his tongue and pressed the head up against the roof of his mouth, sucking gently. Spike was panting and whimpering now. He could feel Spike shift and he lifted his eye and was met by Spike’s eyes staring back at him, pupils dilated. Spike’ lips were parted and Xander could see the tip of his tongue darting out to lick them. Spike had risen halfway up and was now perched on his elbows. “Mmmm,” Xander hummed and smiled around Spike’s cock and Spike groaned and collapsed back down onto the bed, his whole body shaking. Xander increased the speed a little, swooping up and down and finally swallowed Spike all the way before pulling back again. “Argh,” Spike uttered gutturally and Xander felt Spike’s hands burrow into his hair and grip on tightly as his hips lifted from the bed, forcing himself even deeper into Xander’s throat. “Gonna come!” he cried out in a hoarse voice and Xander grabbed one of the hands in his hair and squeezed it as he continued his bobbing and sucking and swallowing motions, never slowing down. With a groaning wail, Spike came, his cold spunk squirting down Xander’s throat. Feeling Spike’s cock pulse in his mouth and throat and Spike’s hips spasm under him brought Xander over the top and he came as well with a gurgled roar. He bucked and squirted his semen all over the sheets and Spike’s shin, gasping around Spike’s cock still twitching in his mouth in post orgasmic spasms.

He kissed and licked Spike’s softening cock and used an end of the sheets to dry off his own cum and moved himself upwards to lie down next to Spike. He cupped Spike’s face again and kissed him softly and looked into his eyes.

“Love you,” he whispered and gathered up the comforters to pull them over both of their bodies, shifting a bit until they were pressed up against one another and covered under the soft fabric that was swiftly warming.

“You do, don’t you?” Spike whispered back in wonder. Xander pulled him close and kissed his brow. “Yeah, I really do.”

Spike made a small sound in the back of his throat and snuggled closer. Xander smiled. It was a funny thing how rescuing somebody, you could end up rescuing yourself.

Back Index

The End

Leave Feedback on Live Journal

Contact Author

Visit the Author's LiveJournal

Home Authors Categories New Stories Non Spander