World of Noise


by
Shadith



4 Sick and Tired

Spike stared around the apartment then at Xander. "Are you sure about this mate?"

Xander shrugged. "Like you said sometimes you just get sick and tired of living alone."


~*~*~*~*~


"Xander!"

He jerked awake, knocking over a stack of books. Eyes heavy with sleep he glanced around blearily. gods what time is it...

Buffy stood hands at her hips, glaring. "How could you fall asleep, again? Oz could have gotten out..."

Xander blinked, staring dumbly at the ranting slayer. He was too tired to care if she was upset, let alone respond. Fuck I just wanna sleep...

~I break every day stressed out in every kind of way I am sick and tired of being sick and tired All I need and crave is a loud life with the power to fade ~

"Do calm down, Buffy. Oz is fine... let this be a warning and leave it alone."

Before anyone could speak the bell rang, and as one they left. Leaving Xander to trail slowly behind. "Xander." He froze, turning to face Giles uneasy. "Yeah, Giles."

His eyebrow's rose at the emptiness in his voice. "Xander are you all right? You don't look at all well. Is there something..."

Xander stared at him for a moment, too numb to even pretend. "Nothing you can do about it, G-man. Nothing you can do..."

Frowning, Giles watched the dark-haired boy leave.


~*~*~*~*~


He'd never meant to hurt her. There were so many things he'd never meant to do.

~Love won't work for me I want women who are out of my reach I'm sick and tired of living all alone All I need for sure is a big love with the power to make more~

He'd thought it would be better if she'd dumped him. She deserved so much more. Someone better than him. But he could never seem to just let go. She'd ask him what was wrong. She'd asked so many times.

~I am living because I keep it all, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all, keep it all inside~


Kissing Willow, not because he loved her... not because he wanted her but to hide... turn away from the pain... avoid it all...

Angel never said anything. But his presence... his simple fucking presence ate at him. So he hid behind his best bud... hid in the decaying relationship with his Cordy... Still it all came crashing down.

It was Spike's fault. No it wasn't... it was his. Hiding from his family, desperate to escape himself and the voices in his head, Xander wandered the streets of Sunnydale.

~I blame my family, their damage is living in me
I am sick inside and tired of my life
All I need I swear is to go out with the power of a nightmare~


Maybe this time... yes this time... He almost cheered when the shadow moved towards him. A soft sigh escaped his lips as hands gripped his shoulders. He closed his eyes to lose himself in the pain. But it wasn't to be. Not this time. No this time it is his own blue-eyed savior. Again.

~I am living because I keep it all, keep it all inside
I keep it all, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone~


"What the hell do you want? Haven't you fucked with my life enough," he screamed, voice straining. "Can't you just let me die in peace..." he whimpered.

A blonde head shook, as icy blue eyes locked with his. "Cause it's not what ya wanna do, pet."

"How the fuck would you know?" Xander snarled.

Dropping the glowing cigarette, Spike snubbed it out with his boot before answering. "See the poufs back. Thought he'd be burning in hell for a while."

Xander staggered back, eyes wide to keep the tears from forming. "You knew." His voice is a shocked whisper.

"Well, pet. Told ya I wasn't having that bastard ruining me unlife or yours any longer."

Suddenly all the anger seemed to drain away, nothing left but the pain. "Why couldn't it just all go away..." he sobbed.

Spike moved closer, reaching out a hand to wipe away a tear. "Cause then pet we'd never learn from our mistakes.

"We?" Xander looked up startled not only by the gentle touch, but by the vampire's words.

Spike grinned, sadly. "Yeah. We, pet."

Abruptly the vampire turned and walked away. "See you later, pet."

~I keep it all, keep it all inside
I know I'm close to the fall
I know I'm dangerous
I know I'm not going down alone~


~*~*~*~*~


Xander stared at the blonde, lying beside him on the couch. Spike turned curious eyes to his new roommate. "What, luv?"

Xander shook his head and grinned. "I'm not going down alone."





5 Sparkle

"Xanpet..."

Spike waited until his mortal looked away from the telly. "Why..."

For a moment I'm afraid. We don't avoid the subject of me bleedin' sire, but we don't openly pursue it neither. But I 'ave to know... 'is parents, 'is friends... they fucked 'im over... makin' 'im think 'es worthless... but still why him.

When 'e turns those lovely dark eyes on me I want to take it back... anything to erase that darkness in 'is eyes... but its too late...


~*~*~*~*~


~I remember when you seemed real shiny with the sweat of your voice
Shaky hands super load and teenage mouth
We were all charmed and taken by your talk~


"Fuck why couldn't you three get a meal at the Bronze like any decent vampires?"

Xander shifted nervously, watching as the three vamps surrounded him. Shrugging he pulled out his stake, and prayed Buffy would come by. He almost got one on his first swing, but the third slipped behind him knocking him off balance.

Stumbling, he caught himself on one knee watching amazed as the vamp in front of him fled. He grinned, as he saw the dust floating around him.

"Thanks, Buff." he said turning, then froze.

"Harris, thought you'd learned by now."

"You know me. Too brave for my own good," he said, looking for a way out, but knowing there wasn't one.

Xander stared up into the smirking face.  He'd always known the Hellmouth would get him, he'd just never expected it to be someone he'd tentatively called friend. When Angelus moved closer, he closed his eyes waiting for death.

Silently he whispered his good-byes to Willow, Buffy, and Giles. He prayed they wouldn't have to stake him.

His eyes flew open, when instead of sharp fangs he felt a wet mouth catch his. Struggling uselessly as the vampire tasted him, then slowly he fell into the kiss. He panted heavily, when Angelus finally pulled back.

"Sweet... later, Harris."

Stunned, Xander watched the vampire walk away. It was only the first of many times it was to happen.


~*~*~*~*~


"I didn't know what to do... I  was ashamed because I hadn't fought back and... and... I enjoyed it... What was I going to say to them? Hey, Buffy. Sorry your boyfriend's gone psycho... but damn can he kiss."

Spike snickered loudly, before quieting at the glare Xander shot him over the video game. "Anyway aside from the occasional..."

"Tongue hockey," Spike said innocently.

Xander reached over shoving the vampire off the couch. "I decided it was nothing they needed to worry about. So I didn't tell them. Not even when it began to happen more and more often."

~Now I shudder when I hear the rhythm of your walk
Now I've got no place to go, I've got no place to go
I've got no one, nowhere, no one.~


"Things seemed to just take on a life of their own. It all seemed to fall down on me. He was always just there. Everywhere I turned. I was weak..."

Xander stopped at the low growl from the vampire sprawled on the floor. He shook his head sadly. "No, I was. He was so sweet at first, I don't know when it changed."


~*~*~*~*~


~I have given up on the sparkle that I saw in your eyes
I have sinned the sin of wanting more
The belly fire pulls the spirit from the corporate whore
I'm embarrassed by the plaid you wear~


He could hear Angelus moving around in the bedroom. "Coming, lover?"

The words are less of a question, more an order. Xander stood slowly, taking one last look in the mirror. The scars were vivid if scattered. They never seemed to fall the same place twice. A fist to the kidneys, a punch to the gut, a backhand when he got smart.

Gods why did I talk back. Angelus hates it when I do that. Maybe it was cause of what Spike said. But Spike doesn't understand. He wasn't always like that. I just upset him. He doesn't mean to hit me, at least not so hard.

~I have given up on the sparkle that I saw in you
Yeah, that simple minded sparkle that I thought I saw.~


When did I stop believing he hadn't meant to hit me at all? Probably around the same time, I realized that it was my fault he hit me. Somewhere around the seventh or eighth beating. Maybe it was the bruised ribs... the sprained wrist...

There are any number of lovely indigo-hued bruises to chose from. No one ever questioned them. Not Willow, not Giles, not Buffy. No there was no one who seemed to care. Except... the bleached one.

"I don't need you to understand Spike. Just leave me alone, and if I were you I'd hide behind that stupid bleach blonde hair."

If I were you I'd hide behind that stupid bleach blonde hair
Now I've got no place to go, I've got no place to go
I've got no one, nowhere, no one


~*~*~*~*~


Spike stared at his mortal. His heart's mate, watching the emotions play across his face. He sat silent, waiting for whatever it was that Xander was deciding.

Staring at the blonde watching him as if he were made of glass, Xander slid to the floor. Leaning forward, slowly he pressed trembling lips to the vampire's. Spike groaned at the tentative kiss, wanting to bury himself in his mate. Xander whimpered softly, as he pressed closer. Worried about pushing him, Spike pulled away.

~Yes, I have wondered why you changed
I like it when you were super loud
I have wondered why you changed
I wonder if you're giving in, tell me why you're giving in
Tell me why you're giving in~


Xander whined, hands tightening on Spike's shoulders. Still the vampire pulled away. "Xander are you sure?"

Xander nodded eagerly. "I'm sure Spike... do you remember 'If I were you I'd hide behind that stupid bleach blonde hair'."

Spike's eyes widened, as he gaped at the boy.

"I knew then.. I knew even then you cared. I was just too afraid... but not now. Not anymore."

Spike grinned, leaning forward to capture the sweetly smiling mouth. "Well then, pet. Let's see where this  takes us."

Spike's lips brushed Xander's, just as the phone rang, startling them both.

"Damn."





6 Your Genius Hands

Xander sat as far away from the vampire as he could. He hated the way he was acting though he couldn't help it. He didn't want anyone to know... didn't want them to ever figure it out.

He wouldn't look directly at him. Just side long glances. Swift peeks from the corner of his eyes because if he stared too long he'd break.

~I have seen you shake and I know what it costs you.
I have heard your words, now I am big on your noise.~


//Whatever's up must be big... has to be to bring Deadboy back. Back to where it started... back to me... back to...//
 
The air in the room has suddenly become stifling and he can't think. But he has too or they'll know. So he forces those thoughts away, fights to control the heavy breathing.

And suddenly he's calm, as cool arms settle around him. He ignores the gasps from the others, turns his eyes away from Angel.

~My eyes aren't big enough, because I can't see your hands.
I can't see what you hold, I am growing now as I watch you fade.~


Spike watched Xander from his corner of the room. When his mortal began to look like he was going to lose it, he made his way over. Ignoring the stares from the others. He would not let him face this alone. He paused briefly to shoot a hate-filled glare at his sire.

Fuckin' wanker.

~Now I know what you know and I'll break the chains that you have made.
These chains you've made for me.
I will pull you down.~


Feeling his love relax, he turned his eyes to their audience. Of all the eyes on them only one pair concern him. Their eyes lock. For a moment Spike can see Angelus raging beneath the brown gaze. Instinct kicked in as low threatening growls rumbled up from his chest.

He unconsciously tightened his arms around the mortal. Angel fought the urge to growl back. Incensed over the smell of Spike all over what was his.

Oblivious to the undercurrents Buffy glared at the two.

"What is he doing here? No one's paying you. And why are holding Xan?"

Giles stepped forward diverting Buffy's attention away from Spike. "Really, Buffy. Now is not the time. Things with Glory have escalated and if Cordelia's vision is right..." The watcher paused to polish his glasses. "Then Dawn's time is short.  There's no room for anything else."

Buffy backed down hearing the gravity in her watcher's voice. Turning, Giles stared at the vampire, ice in his gray-green eyes.

Ripper looked out from his eyes. Knowing if anyone loved Xander even half as much as him it was Giles, Spike let his guard drop. For an instant all his feelings for the boy are visible, and then gone.

Nodding the watcher turned back to the others, assured of Xander's safety, ready to plan the attack that would once again save the world.

Despite Giles support the two are on the outskirts of the planning. Not that either minds. Not when it means they can avoid Angel. However, their respite isn't long. Because once again the slayer can't do it without the zeppo's help.

Xander looked up to find the Buffy and Angel's gazes locked on them.

"Xander can you still.."

He interrupted before she could finish.

"Set a bomb with a remote detonator device. Yeah, as long as someone gets me the materials."

His voice is sure.

"Good," said the blonde nodding. "you and Angel can..."

Two distinct voices cut her off.

~I know I'll fail in style.
I long to touch your genius hands~


"Not working with Deadboy."

His voice is low, steady.

"'Es not going near the nancy-boy."

Spike's voice is anything but quiet a snarl running beneath the shouted negative.

Buffy sighed.

"Xan, really. You need to get over this whole jealousy thing. Sheesh grow up."

"Buffy!"

Giles' voice is hard, cold, stopping the slayer mid whine.

"Xander will handle the explosives with Spike. Angel and I will attempt to grab Dawn while you deal with Glory."

"I don't see why..."

"Enough, Buffy."

It is obvious to everyone except the slayer that Giles' patience is wearing thin.

"But Giles... Angel is the only one who knows the catacombs beneath the master's old place. And that's where Xander has to go."

Willow interrupts before the two can really start, hoping to calm the situation down. The red-headed voice of reason.

Giles sighed heavily, forced to agree with the witch's logic.

"Maybe..."

Determined not to let Xander bend to the whim's of the others, Spike's response is vehement, hostile and assuredly negative.

"I'll see you all dead first."

Stunned silence held sway for a minute.

"Why don't you let Harris, speak for himself Spike?"

Angel's voice is barely understandable, most of the question buried in a hostile growl.

"Right, peaches. An what'll 'e say? Thanks but no thanks, I'd rather not go with the twisted bastard that didn't just mindfuck me but hey --"

"Spike, don't damnit!"

Rage and panic tainted the distraught cry.

Giles eyes widened in understanding and rage.

The air filled with shouted questions, raised voices, and shocked exclamations. Despite the fact that it sounds like an air raid gone wrong inside the shop, two voices stand out from the rambling of the others.

One is female, a high-pitched shrieking that'd give a dog whistle competition, the other British and decidedly enraged.

"What the hell is Spike talking about?" "This was never mentioned, Spike."

The two voices mingle, but each is heard clearly by the gang.

The slayer turned on her watcher. "You knew about this?"

Giles ignored the bitching female, focused on the blonde vampire. "You said Angelus was tormenting Xander because of jealousy. You never said..."

Spike met the furious eyes unblinking. "And you were going to believe me?"

"Yes," roared Giles, Ripper slipping out. "For the boy I consider a son... HELL YEAH. I'da fuckin' torn his 'eart out."

~I am growing now as I watch you fade.~

A strained silence reigned as Giles stared down the vampire. No one moved unwilling to attract Ripper's attention.

A smile slowly made it's way onto Spike's face. He'd always liked the watcher. "That's exactly why I didn't tell ya, Rupert. You'd already nearly died trying to protect the boy from what you thought  was just Angelus's regular mind games. If you'd known..." Spike let his voice trail off, shrugging. Looking away from the still enraged man, he glanced over at his pet.

The anger beneath the panic let him know there would be hell to pay later. However at the moment, the boy was too worried to let him have it. He could see Xander was terrified of what the man he'd thought of as a father would say... worried about his friends reactions. Spike snorted loudly. Some fucking friends... not one noticed a thing excepting the watcher.

Xander watched nervously as Giles slowly made his way over, before staring away. Giles stopped in front him. Tired of waiting for him to say something, Xander glanced up.

"I'm sorry, Xander. I'm so sorry," he said quietly.

~Now I know what you know and
I'll break the chains that you have made.
These chains you've made for me.
I will pull you down.~


Xander shook his head quickly. "NOT your fault, G-man. It was mine but... it's OVER now. I've moved past it with Spike."

Xander stared up at him, eyes begging for understanding. Giles smiled gently pulling the boy into a hug. "I can't think of anyone better for you."

Despite Giles show of temper, Buffy couldn't keep quiet. "You mean-- You actually support this idiotic idea... Xander and S-s.. S-s.. SPIKE!"

Whether prodded by guilt or Angelus, Angel couldn't remain silent either. "Spike isn't what Xander needs. He's a soulless demon, who will only end up hurting him."

Xander pulled away from Giles, standing on his own.

~I know I'll fail in style,
I will I swear, I'm full of shame.
Your genius hands, your genius hands.~


"Like you," he hissed. Xander stalked forward, to stand inches from the vampire who's presence had haunted him for so very long. Fury, hate and old pain radiated from him in waves. "You're right," he said simply. "Spike is a demon, but he's more human than you will ever be. Unsouled or souled," Xander paused taking a deep breath, trying to stay unemotional. "I was always so full of shame. So sure I'd always be a failure. My life shaped by your genius hands. But no more... Spike's helped me see that. Helped me realize you are nothing to me."

Turning his back on the dark-eyed vampire, he walked away.

Spike moved to follow him, he paused turning to face Angel. "You couldn't break him. No matter what he says, he was never broken. You know it and I know it. Cause he was never another Drusilla." Spike smirked. "I oughta thank you though. You fucked up so bad... there was nowhere for me to go but up." Laughing the blonde left to be with Xander.

Everyone's eyes turned to Angel and Buffy, waiting. But not for long.

The silence exploded in a blaze of screams. Giles sat calmly, letting them vent until he'd thought they'd had more than enough time. Plus his ears were beginning to ring.

"Buffy, Angel. Shut the fuck up."

Startled the two quit yelling and stared at Giles.

"We still have a very serious situation on our hands. Xander and Spike's relationship is not an issue."

Angel growled. "You aren't seriously considering letting this go on. Spike..."

Giles cut him off with a growl of his own. "Saved him from an abusive relationship, Angelus. I seriously doubt he's going to drag him into another." He turned to face all of them. "As I was saying, Xander and Spike are Xander and Spike's concern. And since none of you have the maturity to deal with them the three of us will work as a team. Angel, Gunn, and Riley will act as Buffy's back up. Willow, Tara, and Wes will handle the magical attacks with Cordelia helping. Understood?"

The others nodded solemnly.

Striding over to the table, Giles began sorting weapons. "There is no more time! We create a plan and execute it now... or we all die tonight."

Cowed the others slink to the table, with the occasional mutinous mutter from Buffy and Angel.

Plans are made and discarded. Remade and tossed. Until the perfect plan was formed, and gone over until it was razor sharp.

It was time.





7 Evergleam

God... how could I have been so stupid.

Everything was moving like clockwork. Giles' plan was a true masterpiece. The three of us worked well together. Should've known it wouldn't last. Things went to shit fairly soon. In the tunnels I could hear them fighting above us. A wail like nothing I'd ever heard tore through the air. Somehow I knew it was Dawn. My stomach heaved at the thought of the little girl I loved being hurt by that creature. But there was nothing I could do. Not until the bomb was up.

Giles left us once he was sure we'd be able to find our way back. I worked in the dark... Time seemed to freeze then speed up in fits. One moment I'd barely started, next it seemed as if I'd been working for hours, and the next I was done. Spike and I went running for the surface right into... chaos.

We'd underestimated her. No, we'd underestimated the numbers she'd gathered. It looked like thousands, must of been less either way there wasn't even a second to take it all in, before we were swept into it. Spike and I fought side by side until somehow we were forced apart.

That's when it began to fall apart. Even in the frenzy, we kept an eye out for each other. And I saw... I *saw*... It's how I know that treacherous *bitch* did it on purpose. No accident. She fucking meant to.

I saw the hateful murderous gleam in her eyes. I could kill her but there's no time. She meant to keep us apart. Looks like she's succeeded. Oh gods... I should've know... I'm sorry I couldn't protect you...

I should have known.

Buffy can't let go. Could never accept the flaws she thought she saw in others. Never mind the landfill of faults she has. No... God forbid she be anything less than perfect. Or so help whoever
questioned her. And it's as much my fault as hers. Her watcher.. her guardian... I knew but I never stepped in. Thinking... hoping... she'd outgrow it. Not wanting to play favorites...

I should never have let it get this far then maybe this wouldn't be happening now. But I didn't and even now when I see clearly, I am at fault. I knew she wasn't taking it well, but I told myself she'd
learn to accept it... him. I was fooling myself. Spoiled, self-righteous bitch... And what can be said? She was doing her job... staking a vampire. Her duty. I know what she did... I saw her...

Bloody 'ell. If I could I'd rip that Bitch's throat out.

I knew slutty wasn't going to let it go. I could feel the murderous glances she shot us. You'd think she'd be more concerned about the fact that her ex had been fucking her best-friend, and never saw fit to tell her. But... N-o-o-o... The souled bastard can do no wrong. So she focuses her rage on us in general an' me in fuckin' particular.

Xan and I came rushing up from the tunnels. Before I know it we're almost on opposite sides of the room. I couldn't help grinning at my pet. Soaked in blood he swung the ax he'd picked up like he'd done it all 'is life.

Argggh! I should 'ave killed the skanky twat the minute I laid eyes on her. There were any number of times I could 'ave done it, but I didn't. Now it's too damn late...

Thought I'd 'ave more time with my pet... S'not fair... It would 'ave been so good... But times up an' the stakes are flyin'... Damn... I don't even get to say good-bye...

~Evergleam and I know why God is good and Jesus loves me
Heaven lives and I know where
Sounds to me a not so easy chair falling free and living down~


It happened fast. Anyone who listened could have heard Death's clock ticking. The slayer for once was holding her own with Glory. While she was distracted, Giles moved forward quickly, snatching a barely whole Dawn from the altar.

Willow, Tara, and Wes managed wipe out a large amount of the demons while injuring others. Spell after spell flowed from their lips, as Cordelia rushed between them trying to keep the materials coming. Riley, Gunn, and Angel cut a bloody path through the rest. A brutal dance of blood, and death as they fought to survive.

And the blonde vampire...

Spike backed up he slayer. Not because he gave a damn whether she lived or died. No... her victory insured his pet's safety. The long black duster floated behind him as he attacked. Xander had never seen anything so beautiful.

Buffy fought Glory to a draw, as they danced on the edge of the pit. With a graceful backflip, Buffy's leg shot out sending Glory careening into the pit.

~Stringing out and over and happy~

I didn't even think... I hit the detonator as Spike and Buffy raced away from the edge. Shock waves knocked almost everyone to their knees.

And then my world shattered...

Off balance -- Spike was thrown against the slayer. She hissed, leaping for him. I heard Angel cursing as he reached for her, but he was too late... too late... ~Evergleam and I know why it isn't real and I'm not going to
break. Not going to break.~


All I see is him. Blue blue eyes locked on mine. All I know is him. If he dies, I don't want to live.

Angel... always to little to late...

God's when will I learn not to take on slayers.

Apparently I won't ever, not if the stake in my chest is any indication. I don't think I screamed. I think I should, but I'm not. Someone else beat me to it. It sounds familiar, why... It takes a minute... but I know who it is.

Spike, my Spike. Still alive, not dust. Fucking whore didn't get him. Wonder why not?

I gasp as a wave of pain rips through my chest.

Oh... yeah. She got me.

For some reason that strikes me as funny. I think I laugh but stop because it's making Spike howl louder. Wonder why? Could be because I've started spitting up blood. Try to wipe it away... don't wanna tempt my vampire.

Blondie's yelling at me... hard to understand what he's saying. Have to try for him... huh? doesn't want me to move... stay still... Cool arms wrap around me... love feeling him around me... but...

"I can't stay still... nope... too many things I have to do before I go..."

Did I say that out loud? Shit, I think I did.

~Don't die, don't give in to it. No way, no way. Don't die.
Please don't leave me.~


"Oh no-no-no-no... Xan hold on luv... hold on..."

Tears pouring down his cheeks. Never meant to make him cry... he taught me that...  taught me not to stay with someone who hurt me... opened my eyes and saw him...

Might not be too smart but smart enough to grab onto Spike. Hah...

Didn't let love pass me by...

Did I say that out loud? Want him to know...

It's getting harder to keep my eyes open... think I've been passing in and out.... somethings not connecting... if I could I'd laugh... cause I think he's trying to say something... and it's funny how he's having trouble speaking and I'm the one with a stake in his chest...

And I'm trying to tell him about the pretty colors, the glowing white shapes but he just cries harder...

"Don't cry, Spikey."

Pale flash of arm and something wet and red... pleading voice telling me to drink... then he's gone... spikey don't leave me... someone screamed... The world starts spinning faster.. as the colors run
together... quiet but not... wailing in the distance... ~Evergleam and I know how pulling hair and breaking voices. Giving in won't stop the noise. Spinning wills don't give you choices.
Give away the spark inside you, give away the shining prize.
Evergleam and I know how it isn't real...~


Suddenly it doesn't hurt anymore... but there's something... have to tell him... only for him... give away my heart... and it's important... necessary that I say it... cause I'm feeling like I won't be here later...

"Love you... love you spike... love y..."

did I say it... was something else... not important... least not important as the lights... gleams everywhere.... evergleam... wonder if it's real...

~Evergleam, everywhere, ever weird, everyone
Evergleam, everywhere, everything
I won't see you there
No way, no way, no way
I'm not going away~




The End




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