SERIES: Buffy the Vampire Slayer – OneShot – Humour/Parody
DISCLAIMER: all BtVS characters mentioned here belong to Joss Weadon, and Mutant Enemy, and are used without permission... this is fanfiction, I'll give them back... eventually!! XD
PAIRING: Spike/Xander
CHAPTER RATING: Fan Rated Mature
OVERALL RATING: Fan Rated Adults Only
WARNINGS: Parody & Unresolved Sexual Tension
FIRST PUBLISHED: 22 March 2006
AUTHORS NOTE: I was reading ‘The Three Little Pigs’ to my daughter Chibi Flame when I got this evil little plot bunny... the first half is mainly humor, with a bit of UST, and the second half is just pure porn!! Fairytales will never be the same again… :sweatdrop:

I deliberately didn't put any references to time of day/night, cause Spike is still a vampire, but he's playing the part of the Big Bad Wolf, so let's just say that this fic takes place in the twisted twilight of my mind... XD

Thanks go out to Cas (aka) [info]virtualpersonal, who was nice enough to give this part a quick read-through.
Originally posted to [info]spring_with_xan

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Three Scoobies & The Big Bad Vamp

Lady Flame

Part One

Now, are we ready for our ‘bedtime’ story? Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin...

Once upon a time, there were three humans who liked to defeat evil creatures, so much so, that everyone nicknamed them ‘The Three Scoobies', since the bad guys always said, “I would have got away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!!”

Now word of our heroes had reached ‘Good Olde Blighty’, and the ears of one of the ‘Scourge of Europe’; a big bad vamp by the name of ‘William the Bloody’, more commonly known as Spike. Now Spike had a reputation of being ‘The Slayer of Slayers’, and he’d heard that one of the Scoobies was indeed the current Slayer, and so he set sail in his trusty DeSoto to visit ‘The New World’, since everyone knows Slayer blood is an aphrodisiac, and Spike was a randy vampire!!

When Spike reached the little hamlet of Sunnydale, where ‘The Three Scoobies’ did reside, he ran over the welcome sign... then he gatecrashed ‘Willie’s Alibi Bar’, and beat poor Willie up for information... what a nasty vampire!!

*boo, hiss*

When he’d got his information, Spike set off to the first Scoobies house...

Now the first Scoobie was a good witch, and lived in a cottage made of thatch, and when Spike knocked on the door, she took one look at him and said, “I don’t care that you’ve got pretty cheekbones, you’re a vampire, and you can’t get in without an invite.” And then she shut the door in Spike’s face.

Now Spike’s feelings were hurt, he was the ‘Big Bad’, he was supposed to be able to charm his way into any home, not have the door shut in his face without him even saying a word... even if she did say he had nice cheekbones!! “Little Red, Little Red, won’t you let me in... cause if you don’t, I’ll huff, an’ I’ll puff, an’ I’ll knock your house in!!” But the first Scoobie stayed silent, and the door it remained shut.

Spike looked at the house of straw, then went to his DeSoto, and got an industrial sized leaf blower from out of the boot, (though you Yanks call it a trunk don’t ya). “Last chance, Red!!” yelled Spike, before blowing the cosy cottage into a swirling mass of straw.

“Well that was a bloody brilliant idea, you stupid git!!” Spike said to himself, as his eyes streamed, and he started to cough; and as the dust settled, Spike looked up, wiping tears from his eyes, to see the good red witch flying off on her broomstick. “Bloody Hell!!” he said, and kicked the leaf blower across the settling straw, then he proceeded to jump up and down holding his foot, and swearing in at least five different demon languages… after all it was an industrial sized leaf blower!!

After much cursing, Spike limped off to go to the second Scoobies house, which was just round the corner, to see the red witch land, and jump off her broomstick, rushing up to an attractive dark haired young man, who was chopping wood bare-chested. Spike was momentarily distracted, following a trickle of sweat down that tanned chest with his eyes, until it was absorbed by the waistband of a pair of battered, and low riding jeans; which was enough time for the two to notice him, and rush into the nearby log cabin.

The dark haired carpenter stood cockily in the open door, safe behind the mystical barrier, the little red witch peaking out from behind a broad shoulder, “So bleach boy, you’re the one who’s after kicking our butts, huh?”

Spike leered at the boy, and gave him the once-over, “Such a pretty little arse too, but I’m sure I can think of more enjoyable things to do with yours than kicking it.” And Spike licked his lips, and eyed the boy hungrily.

Xander returned the once-over, and grinned, “Well I must admit, you are compact and well muscled, but hasn’t anyone ever told you that whole ‘Billy Idol’ look is so 80’s.”

Spike was still spluttering incensed, as he once more faced a closed door, “Oi, I’ll ‘ave you know he stole my look, not the other way around!!”

Male laughter from inside, was his only reply.

Spike growled, and looked around for something to wreak carnage with, he spotted the axe the whelp had been chopping logs with, and then his eyes rested on something even better… “Whelp, Whelp, won’t you let me in... cause if you don’t, I’ll huff, an’ I’ll puff, an’ I’ll knock your house in!!” Spike said, in a singsong voice. “I really mean it this time boy!!” he yelled, as he pulled the start cord on the chainsaw he’d found.

Spike was happily carving up the walls of the log cabin, when his attention was drawn to the roof, “What the hell do you think you’re doing to my house, you stupid bleached menace!!” Xander screeched from above, before being hussled onto the back of Willow’s broomstick, which flew off low, dipping and weaving under the weight of two people, their feet brushing the treetops.

Spike leapt to follow the broomstick, leaving the chainsaw still buzzing in the wall of Xander’s house. If he was lucky then maybe the whelp would fall off the broomstick, and then Spike could drain him dry, no better still, turn him, then lick the blood from the fall off his new childe’s body.

But Spike’s hopes were in vain, as he watched the broomstick, and it's riders, crash through the roof of a pretty little brick cottage. A tingling sensation down his spine told him that it was the Slayer’s home, and without stopping, Spike turned round, and ran back to the building site he’d just passed.

Spike leaped up onto the abandoned bulldozer, pulled out a few wires, and quickly hotwired it, then drove it back to the Slayer’s house. “Slayer, Slayer, won’t you let me in... cause if you don’t, I’ll huff, an’ I’ll puff, an’ I’ll knock your house in!!” shouted Spike.

Three faces stared out of the window at Spike, “I think the bleach must have seeped into his brains, cause that is one weird vamp!!” said Xander.

“Not to worry, I’ll just go out there and deal with him, I am the Slayer after all.” Buffy replied. However, before she got the chance, seven very butch dwarves in green jumped out of the bushes, shot lightning at the startled vamp, and dragged Spike’s unconscious body away with them.

”Well, that was strange,” said Xander.

“Do you think we should go after them?” said Willow.

“Nah, guys like that always turn up again, like a bad penny,” said Buffy, “I’m more interested in what we should do about my roof, there’s a great big hole where you two crashed through.”

“Yeah, and Willow’s house is totally destroyed, and mine is falling apart…” replied Xander.

Willow clapped her hands with glee, “I’ve got a great idea, why don’t we pool our resources, make this cottage bigger, and all live together like one big happy family!!” “That’s a great idea,” replied Buffy, “you can have a nice loft apartment, I’ll have the ground floor, and Xander can have the basement.” “Hey, how come I get to live in the basement.” Xander complained. “Well, Willow needs to see the stars for her whole Wicca thing… and this is my house.”

Time passed, as time does, the renovations were completed, and the three friends were now living happily together. Then one evening whilst they were having a pizza, popcorn and movie night, there came a knock at the door. When they answered the door, they were confronted by none other than Spike, but a Spike quite unlike how they remembered him. This Spike looked quite ill, he was gaunt, and you could see his ribs through his t-shirt, plus there were dark circles beneath his eyes, and he was shivering...

Part Two

”Slayer you’ve got to help me, I got taken to the vets, they took my bite, and now I can’t chase the other puppies anymore!!” and Spike actually whimpered.

“What are you talking about, Spike?!” said Buffy.

“Those guys stuck something in my head, and now I can’t hunt or feed, I’m totally helpless, I can’t even defend myself, watch...” Spike lunged for Willow, and then fell back screaming in pain, and clutching at his head.

Willow reached out timidly, and petted Spike on the back, then she turned large soulful eyes to her companions, “We can’t let him suffer like this...”

Buffy pulled out ‘Mr Pointy’ from her pocket, “I can make it a quick mercy killing.”

Willow stepped a little in front of Spike, and gave Buffy a taste of her ‘resolve face’. Xander knew that face of old, and knew it was impossible to resist, he sighed, “I know of a butchers who sells pigs blood, I’ll go out and get some, since Spike does compact and well muscled, much better than skinny and malnourished!!”

And so that’s how Spike came to live at Scoobie House; at first he was kept chained in Buffy’s bathtub, and fed pigs blood out of a mug with a straw, but he quickly got better, and returned to being his usual snarky self.

“Okay, that’s it, I’ve had enough... I want Spike out of my bathtub,” complained Buffy, “and since Willow won’t let us ‘set him free’, all I’ve got to say is Xander, meet your new room-mate!!”

Buffy handed an open-mouthed Xander the key to Spike’s chains, and a load of rope, “You can tie him to that ugly orange chair of yours whilst you sleep, the rest of the time he’s annoying, but harmless.”

“Oi, m’not harmless!!”

“Oh yeah Spike, what are you going to do, suck Xander to death, cause you sure can’t bite.” Spike just growled in response, and Xander was still mute in shock, “Now if you will excuse me gentlemen, I shall be enjoying a nice long bubbly bath.”

“Eww, I so didn’t want that mental picture, Slayer,” needled Spike, but Buffy just huffed, flipped her hair, and walked off to have her bath.


Spike was feeling extremely sulky... what he wanted, was to be fucking the pretty brunette, with the big doe eyes, in a puddle of his own blood; what Spike was getting, was being tied down to an extremely ugly, and uncomfortable, orange reclining chair!! "I don't see why I have to be tied up."

"It's just whilst I'm in bed... I don't trust you not to try and bite me whilst I'm asleep."

Spike pouted at Xander, and tugged on some very professionally tied knots, "Yeah, like I'd bite you!!"

Xander smirked, "Oh you so would, I'm moist and delicious!!"

Spike rolled his eyes, "Fine, you're a real nummy treat."

Xander's eyes narrowed in response to the casual dismissal, and an almost evil smirk graced his lips... well he did have to get ready for bed anyway, why shouldn't he have some fun whilst he was at it.

Xander moved over to his hi-fi with a swish to his hips, "Do you know what I did last summer, Spike? I went on a road trip... of course, the engine in Uncle Rory's old car fell out, so I only got as far as Oxnard, but I had a really interesting job whilst I was there, learned some new skills, one of which was how to strip."

Xander shut his eyes and started to sway along to the thumping base of the song, feeling it in his heart, in his bones, like his body had synchronised to the rhythm of the beat. Spike watched as slightly rough fingertips trailed from cheek down a taut neck, head thrown back as Xander lost himself into the music, and he licked his lips as he imagined those fingers on his own neck, that he'd felt on his skin as Xander had wrapped him in rope, and now forced him motionless as those fingers flicked open the buttons of the flannel shirt revealing the vunerable pulse point to his golden gaze.

Spike started to breathe as the ugly shirt dropped off broad shoulders, and slithered down muscled arms, the tight white vest underneath revealing teasing glimses of what Spike knew was a deliciously tanned expanse of warm lickable skin. Spike started to almost pant, as Xander pinched a nipple through cotton with one hand, the other pushing up the bottom of the vest, and slipping under the waistband of his jeans to caress the bulge that lay beneath. All the while Xander moved in a sensual sway, slowly getting closer to Spike, and he could taste the boy's lust in the air, as his body pumped out pheromones in time with the beat.

Spike has become so entranced by the sway of hips, and the movement of a hand beneath tightening denim, that he's almost startled when the boy pulls his hand out of his jeans suddenly, yanking the white vest over his head with both hands, throwing the unwanted material somewhere into a corner where it's immediately forgotten. Taut nipples are now pulled and twisted with both hands, and Spike just wants to suck and bite at them, until the slightest touch would send the boy into ecstasy of pleasure pain.

One hand abandons it's play to stroke down the boy's belly, following the swirl of hair around the indentation found there, until a finger dips inside in surging movements that make Spike think of other holes he wants to play with. Then those naughty fingers follow the treasure trail down to stiff denim, except this time instead of slipping under the material, they start to slowly open each button of the fly, so slowly it's agonizing, and Spike could almost whimper at the torture of it; and maybe he did, since Xander has now opened his eyes, and their gaze is locked, and so heated is the look Xander is giving him, that Spike almost expects to feel the burn of sunlight on his skin.

Eyes dark with lust trail over him, and Spike arches up against the ropes as if it was a physical touch. Xander toed off his boots, and put his thumbs into the elastic waist of his boxers, and shoved two layers of cotton down his legs, until he could step out of them, and stand literally at Spike's feet. If Spike pointed his toes then the steel caps of his boots would brush the bottom of the boy's thighs, but before Spike could attempt this tiny touch, strong hands have braced themselves over his wrists on the arm of the chair, and a warm naked weight has settled itself over his shins.

As the fingers Spike had been having all sorts of thoughts about over the last few minutes moved towards the fly of Spike's own jeans, the chair teetered wildly, and Spike hurriedly pulled the boy further up his legs, then left his hands against the back of warm muscled thighs, a swirling feather touch of cool which made the boy quiver in his lap.

As Xander swayed forward, Spike could feel the boy's hot naked cock brush against his t-shirt covered chest, but before he could dip his head to steal a taste, the boy had dropped down and was pulling at his zip, until warm hands pulled his cock and balls free of the material. "Turn round pet, unless you want to end up on the floor." The chair shook as Xander repositioned himself, but happily did not tip over, and Spike was even happier when his cock was pulled into a warm wet mouth, to be sucked and licked with obvious pleasure.

Xander wiggled his hips at Spike, wanting the vamp to return the favor, but the position was awkward on the reclining chair, and Spike found himself too far up to reach the boy's gorgeous prick, but he was 'cheek to cheek' with his very fine arse. With his arms tied down this was going to be difficult but not impossible, and Spike repositioned his hands so he was holding the boy's shoulders, and using vamp strength to support Xander's weight. "I've got you pet, just let me hold you up, and reach back and hold open those sweet cheeks of yours, so I can rim you until you squeak."


Buffy was annoyed... Xander had some music on down in the basement, and the vibrations from the thumping bass rhythm had disturbed her relaxing bath. So she'd put on her bathrobe, and was making her way downstairs to put a flea in his ear, and get him to fix the door on her bathroom cabinet, which had 'accidentally' had an encounter with Spike's head, after he'd made one snarky comment too many, and precipitated his exile into the 'Basement of Doom' as Xander quaintly nicknamed it.

"Xander, do you think you could turn it down... I can feel the vibrations upstairs..." Buffy's voice trailed off into silence, as the scene she had walked in on slowly sunk into her mind, and left her open mouthed, and numb with shock.

Spike raised his head from where he'd been making obscene slurping sounds on Xander's ass, and smirked at her, "Well Slayer, it's my intention to turn the boy on, and I'm certainly getting some good vibrations, what with all the moaning he's doing around my cock!!"

Spike just leered, as Xander pulled off his cock with a squeaked "Buffy!!" The suddenly released cock flicking back, and hitting toned abs with a wet slap.

Spike only scowled, and growled "Leave those hands where they are, Whelp!!" when Xander's hands started to pull away from where he held his own butt cheeks apart for Spike's delectation.

Buffy watched Xander's hands flutter back to their original position, causing a pleased smile from Spike, and him murmuring "That's it pet, such a good boy... gonna show the Slayer how I can lick you to death, or at least to 'le petit mort'..." Spike started to lick again at Xander's asshole, making him drop his head and rub his face across Spike's balls, where they had been pulled out of the open fly of his jeans, as Spike pointed his tongue and thrust it into Xander's relaxed hole.

The final straw for Buffy, was when one of Spike's hands moved from supporting Xander's shoulders to lifting his own cock, and rubbing the head, with it's gleaming gem of precum, across Xander's mouth; and as Xander licked his lips, and opened his mouth to moan, Buffy turned sharply and left the basement, resolving to either bleach her brain, or find Willow and beg her for a spell to forget that the last five minutes ever happened!!

And Spike and Xander lived snarkily ever after!! After all the best sex is angry sex... or make up sex... or post-patrol sex... or tied up sex... or snuggly sex... or... well you get the idea!!

The moral of this tale is this... although a Slayer’s blood is good, ‘tis better to play with a Carpenter’s ‘wood’.

The End

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