The Silent Urge Series
46 - Choices
~ Xander ~I wake up with my face buried against Angel's chest, his arms wrapped around me, our legs entwined.
It feels good. Better even than yesterday. I feel like I belong.
I don't want to move, don't want to think, don't want to do anything. I just want to lie here like this and enjoy the feeling. I haven't felt this protected since... Spike. His name sets off a deep yearning inside me. Suddenly I feel ripped open and like I can't breathe. Distressed I try to free myself from Angel's arm but his embrace only gets stronger, holds me tighter against him.
"Breathe, boy. Breathe." Angel says and puts his leg up over my hip, pulls me flush against him. I can't decide if it's an uncomfortable or a safe feeling to be in his arms against my will. "You've got to calm down. It's only another hour until sundown and we'll be out of here. Only one hour of holding yourself together and you'll be back with Spike. Alright?"
I want to nod but can't. I breathe hard, long, uneven pulls of air to calm down my hammering heart. Angel strokes over my back and I concentrate on the motion of his fingers.
"I need Spike now." I say and sound like a stupid kid, but I have my reasons. Spike is not purely an emotional addiction anymore - I need him physically. I need his blood.
„As soon as the sun sets, we’re out of here and on our way to Spike. I’ll take you both with me to L. A.“ Angel says and I feel his breath puff against my forehead. Slowly I raise my eyes up to his. „We’ll see from there.“
Angel has brown eyes, gold dances in them like fire and it’s fascinating to look into them, to let myself be swallowed by them. I bite my lower lip when a tingling starts in my belly. Something wicked just woke up inside of me and crawls up to the surface. I flick my tongue out, wet my lower lip, watch Angel watching me. He swallows hard and parts his lips, draws in a breath.
„Xander.“ He warns.
Daringly I push my hips forward, just a tiny swing, but it has its effect. Angel’s eyes shatter into gold completely and he groans, no, growls, really.
„You don’t know what you’re asking for, boy.“ He says and I see his teeth are elongated. I remember how it felt to have Spike’s canines buried inside of me, remember the pain it brought at first that grew to unbearable pleasure. I want that again. That feeling of totally losing myself to someone else, to be completed and nonexistent at the same time. Is it wrong to want that from Angel? It doesn’t feel wrong. I just want.
„I’m hungry.“ I beg - half excuse and half justification for my behaviour.
„No, you’re not.“
„But I want-“
„What you want is your mate, your Master.“ Angel says and flips us. My legs fall open and Angel settles in between them. I moan when our cocks, equally hard, touch through layers of clothes. Angel grabs onto my hair and pulls my head back, he bares my throat and I buck up at him the moment he presses his mouth against my skin.
„Please-“ I whimper.
„It’s just the blood calling out to you.“ Angel explains with a rough voice, his tongue feels like wet velvet when he licks across the pulse point. „It’s just instinct – hunger and lust – you haven’t had enough to be atuned to more than the bloodline. You’re not able yet to feel the differences between Spike and me.“ I try to listen, really I try, but Angel keeps working his hips and it makes me dizzy with need for more. „Can you imagine what it’d do to you if I got involved now, what’d happen if I’d taste you, drink you and feed you now?“ He asks and then sucks my skin into his mouth hard, holds it between his teeth barely on the edge of gentleness.
I don’t dare breathe.
I have no answer for him. I have no idea what I’m doing at all. I’m the plaything of two vampires and I haven’t felt so good in all my life. They take away the responsibility, the pain and the emptiness inside of me. They hold me, they care for me and nurse me with everything they have to offer.
It’s not my choice. It was never my choice.
It doesn’t even feel like a choice - just feels right.
„Angel.“ I whisper and something seems to break inside of me. „Angel.“ I touch his face and he opens his mouth, lets my skin slowly slide from between his teeth with a small sound of mourning. Eventually, he looks at me.
„It’s alright.“ I tell him and feel sure and secure, sincere and solid. „Everything’s going to work out.“ I tell him and he looks at me, stunned. Gently, I pull his face down to mine and don’t hesitate anymore to kiss him. Just a brush of lips to lips, warm and reassuring.
„You don’t understand… I can’t help you. Spike, he’d think of it as betrayal and I don’t want to… to lose him again.“ Whoa, looks like it took Big-dark-and-broody a lot to admit that. The moment we had – anyway – is gone. Angel moves until he sits on the edge of the bed, broad back to me, ellbows on his knees. He stares at the carpet.
„Angel, you don’t understand. I’m sorry, okay, I’m not… not in control sometimes. When the Urge gets me I forget about Sp- the most important things and do something stupid. You wouldn’t- I mean you pulled back, you wouldn’t have… taken advantage of me.“ God, I’m back to being the damsel in distress. I roll my eyes. Angel snorts and I’d laugh if the situation wasn’t so fucking ridiculous. I’m lying in Giles‘ bed half-hard with a nearly naked souled vampire beside me who regrets that he can’t feed me because he feels bad interfering with his soulless childe’s bond. Maybe I should also add that a day ago I hated his guts and wouldn’t have minded seeing him take a sun bath. It’s a mad world.
„About the Urge.“ Angel starts and he chooses his words carefully. „It’s more than an addiction. You’re claimed. Spike claimed you as his Pet. He’s giving you some kind of choice with that.“
„What? I thought this was an until-death-do-us-part thing?“ I stammer, unenthusiastic about this revelation.
„You’re strong, you can live through a separation.“
Unbelievingly I shake my head vehemently. „You’re not trying this again!“
„What?“ Angel gets on his feet, turns around and he looks scared?
„You’re trying to make me give up Spike.“
„You suck so much. At first you get all soul-y over ‚betrayal’ and now you try to talk me out of it again!“
„No, I’m not. I just want you to know there is a choice!“
„NO – you listen to me. Even Spike wanted you to have a choice or he’d have claimed you as a Mate right off. Don’t you get it? Get this? This isn’t some romantic Anne Rice novel-“
„Oh really? I didn’t realize that the moment I woke up alone with my neck and ass torn open, puking blood everywhere!“
„Shut up and listen to me just once. I know what I want: I want Spike. I want my life with Spike and we‘ll see how far that’ll go AND there might even be a place for you if you want it and get the fuck over yourself.“
„No, just no. I get it, okay. You and Spike, both of you got turned without knowing what would happen and what it makes you. In retrospect it didn’t work out well for either of you. You both were bloodthirsty monsters who got off on violence and destruction, BUT you both changed – your soul and his chip – you both fight on the other side now. And it has nothing to do with all those reasons the watchers’ diaries are filled with. It’s not because of love or the soul, the chip or even to make up for the sins.“
Questioningly Angel looks at me while I pause to gulp in some air to continue.
It’s because you’re fucking lonely and don’t have a purpose as a baddy. It’s boring to be the bad guy after a while because there is no real enemy. A Slayer? You could shoot her from 500 yrds away with modern weapons. There’s no real challenge, no real risk for someone who has been on this planet as long as you have. But to fight against an almighty foe alone – that really makes life, or in your cases unlife, special and exciting. You both need a purpose, something to fill eternity with and you both found it fighting the good fight. I’m not giving in to the dark side because I want to be with Spike or you – I’m fighting the same fight and I only make you stronger because I’m one of the good guys, too.“
I guess you can call that a revelation. At least Angel finally seems to understand my motivation. Maybe he even understands his own reasons for his eternal fight better now.
Slowly, Angel nods and seeks out my gaze. „I just wanted you to have a chance for the white picket fence.“ He says resigned and sighs. „Whatever I, or we do, we won’t have that ever. It’s fighting and worrying and fighting forever and you get tired of it sometimes.“
I smile and go over to him. Standing right before him, in his personal space so I can practically feel his body close to mine, I say. „For me a white picket fence was never more than something to break a wooden weapon from and save others or my own life.“
I close the distance between us and let myself be embraced.
I don’t even try to pull back when the door opens and Giles comes in. I swallow the comment about polite English people and their knocking habits because he looks grim enough already.
„We’re out of here with the sundown.“ Angel says without preamble and I nod, cheek against his unclad shoulder.
„Well, there‘s something we want to do to make sure Xander is and will be alright before you leave. Therefore, we all have to go over to the Summer’s house. I’m sure you’ll have time for this before you leave.“ Giles tries to sound friendly, but the command is loud and clear. Whatever he throws at us, we’ll manage. I just hope Spike will be patient enough to wait for us. I don’t want him in danger because of some heroic rescue attempt.
47 - Assumptions
~ Spike ~
I must’ve fallen asleep. Maybe I was unconscious for a bit. Can’t tell. Everything’s fuzzy. Even my tongue. Should’ve washed those curtains more often.
The sun is nearly down, my inner clock tells me. Fuck, I can just imagine Xander and my Sire standing in front of the burned out ruins of the club. At least Sire will know I’m not dead. The problem is how will they find me? I don’t think they’ll guess I was kidnapped and chained down in the basement of the Slayer’s house.
They could think I ran off. Ran off to L. A. maybe to meet them there. They’d leave Sunnydale without me and when they realize it’s too late - I’m already ashes.
Slayer is pacing above me. The staccato sound of her high heels drums through the house like an erratic heartbeat. She is waiting, nervously waiting for something. For what? Do they all want to have a go at me? Why hasn’t she killed me already?
Maybe Giles wants to whip out his Dr. Mengele kit and sate his scientific interest in me?
Or maybe the Slayer just needs an audience to finish me off. Attestors for the Watchers' diaries.
Sire will care for Xander, will watch out for him and help him deal with the Urge. He'll make it without me, but I want to be there. I don't fucking want the Slayer and my Sire taking away from me what is mine!
"You won't win, you bitch!" I yell as loud as I can against the wall of velvet. I have to figure out a way out of this mess. William would give up, Spike never does.
~ Xander ~
"What do you think they'll do?" I ask and don't pull back from Angel. Not yet. I enjoy the comfort I can draw from him.
"I don't know. Some magic maybe. Nothing that will hurt you, I guess." Angel answers and I can feel his lips moving against my temple. I'm so hungry - and horny. Slowly I sit up and shiver like a heroine addict going cold turkey.
"'Kay. Let's do this." I look around for a shirt. It totally sucks that I have to wear Giles' clothes. Do I have shoes? Was I wearing shoes yesterday when they brought me here? Fuck. I feel helpless and I struggle with the shirt from yesterday. Spike bought me clothes. Real clothes. No hand-me-downs or good-will stuff from the last circus, but clothes that fit and made me feel... special, good. I miss Spike.
"Are you sure you’re up to it?" Angel asks.
"What other choice do I have?"
"We could always hightail out of here, meet up in L. A. Spike's not stupid, he'll get it and follow a couple of days later." A couple of days? I can't go another two days without him. Mission impossible.
"No way." I say because I just can't. I don't wanna talk to them anymore. I just want to get out and get back to Spike. I'm not sure anymore if all this jumping through their hoops is worth it. We can't stay friends since I don't think they'd appreciate me sharing the recent vamp-tastic sex-secrets, Xander-approved.
They care for me, so they say, in their ways but they don't care at all about what I want. They’ve got it all wrong. But I just can't, no, I won't be what they want me to be. I want to run off, but they won't ever leave me, leave us alone if they're not halfway satisfied as to my well-being first. What a joke.
I watch as Angel goes over to the window, opens it and checks the distance to the ground. "We can go out through here. I'll go first, you jump right behind me. I'll catch you." Angel grins.
"Hey, wait. I- look, let's see what they want to do first. We can still run off if it's too much." No, we can't. A slayer, a powerful witch, a capable Magician and a half-Hulk. If they dig in their claws it’ll be nearly impossible to get out again without being torn apart. I just have to count on the Xander-bonus and the Angel-first-undying-love-get-out-of-jail-card.
"Let's just get this over with fast." I pause to look directly at Angel who is still standing at the window, one hand on the sill. His face stuck somewhere between a pout and frustration. "Don't leave me alone, 'kay." I whisper and he nods a promise at me with brown, worried eyes.
I don't know why it's so easy to be weak in front of Spike, or especially Angel. Is it the blood, the Urge, the way Spike's mark on my neck feels like a connection to something bigger? I feel safer with these two vampires than I ever have before in my life. It's like they know what I'm going through. And I know that that marking bite means they'll never turn against me.
I open the door slowly, trying to not make noise. There are shoes, my old trainers, in front of the door, neat. And hey, Willow, there on the top stair, waiting for me, already watching me again.
"There you are! Finally." She says too brightly and stands up.
I've barely got enough time to put on my trainers before she links her arm through mine and guides me down the stairs. I can feel Angel right behind me without even looking. The others are waiting for me, for us. They seem to have been waiting for a while since they jump to their feet and Giles opens the front door. I take a deep breath.
"Where are we going?" I ask with an edge of panic because I was sure they'd try their little experiment here.
"Oh, Buffy is waiting at her house. There’s some stuff we need. You'll see." Willow says it as if she's announcing a trip to Disneyland. She smiles, it's so fake.
The moment we're outside, Giles and Riley shove between me and Angel. It makes my skin crawl to have them breathing down my neck and I can't stop myself from looking around for Angel. He finds my eyes with his own and tells me without words to keep calm. It should be easy for him to overpower both Riley and Giles if he needs to, right?
I can't believe I'm thinking like this about my friends. I can't help but feel like a prisoner on his way to execution while Willow babbles nonsense to fill the awkward silence.
I feel ridiculous, small and helpless, being fucking guided through the streets at night in too big, borrowed clothes. I need to be calm and just get this over with – it's less than an hour until I can see Spike again. I'll get through this and then we're up and out of here.
~ Spike ~
Finally, finally the sun is down. That boosts my getting-out-alive-chances nearer the twenty percent mark – well, if I can get out of these chains at all. And past the Slayer.
I hate to wait. Especially if I don't know what I’m waiting for or rather what to expect when the waiting is over. Fucking plans and patience – bugger that.
The tingling starts on the back of my neck. My Sire is close by. Oh thank you.
'S about time he got here, he'll get me out of here. He'll sweet talk Buffy and get me out--- wait.
He should be with Xander.
Why is he here and not with Xander?
Or else if Xander is with him – what are they doing here? Is Buffy waiting for them? Is everybody gathering here? To do what? Exorcise Xander?
I have a really bad feeling about this.
I wish I could have explained everything to my boy first. I left him. Left him like his Daddy did – bleeding and hurt, violated.
Did Angel get through to him? Did he explain what I haven’t had the chance to?
Oh bugger – the Urge. If Xander's with them – the moment he comes through that door he'll feel me. He'll lose it completely – fuck the audience and all.
It's over twelve hours since I fed him last. He must be hungry, he must be so hungry.
My beautiful boy, marked as mine, hungry, lost.
Bloody fucking hell.
All the things I promised him he’d never be again.
And I'm sitting here chained and bound, blindfolded and gagged – not to mention chipped.
I'm the stupidest and most pathetic Master vampire in all of history.
Not any help at all.
There is no chance the Slayer will even listen to an attempt at an explanation when Xander throws himself at my feet and begs for my blood.
We're all going to die in this fucking basement.
Everything started in a basement – well, everything ends in a basement.
Or maybe, like that first time, we'll all be surprised by what my chosen Mate is able to get through in order to get what he needs.
48 - Reunion
~ Xander ~
We're close to Buffy's house when Angel suddenly appears in front of me. I manage to stop just in time. Damn, he can move fast if he wants to! Willow squeaks in surprise beside me and digs her nails in my arm.
"What's wrong?" I ask. Angel just keeps staring at me. What's this supposed to be? Vulcan Mind Meld?
"Is there a problem?" Giles has come to my left side and Riley hovers so close to my back that I can actually feel his breath on my neck – not just literally.
"I'm not gonna bolt!" I say, annoyed, and shove at Willow. Something’s up and Angel feels it, but I don't. I stretch my senses out as much as I can – human and heightened, but I don't feel anything out of the ordinary. "Angel?"
There is a glimmer of gold in his eyes, gone so fast I'm sure I've imagined it. Was that a warning – has this to do with a vampire related thing? Is it about Spike? Is he here?
I force myself to stay calm, to not ask, to not get into another panic attack. Only another hour to get through and then we are free to go.
Buffy opens the door. She must have been waiting for us already.
The moment my foot comes down on the doorstep my whole body feels electrocuted. It's like I’ve been hit by lightning. White everywhere and the Urge burns inside me until it all spirals into one pure impulse: SPIKE.
There is no holding back. There isn't even a conscious thought. I run before I'm aware of it.
Everything goes chaotic behind me, voices calling my name and noises like fighting.
I don't care. I need to get to him, I need to get to Spike.
~ Spike ~
Xander, Xander, Xander is here.
His presence suddenly rips through me like thunder on a silent night and it cracks up my senses, pumps me up with adrenaline. He's coming, closer by the second, I can already hear his footsteps. The door bangs open and seconds later he is here. He's really here, hands on me over all the layers and he tears on them, tears them off me with the desperation of a freshly risen Childe with their first live prey.
"Shh. Shh. I'm here. I'm okay. You found me." I whisper against his mouth, try to stop the mewling noises he makes between the biting kisses. He whimpers and there is moisture on his cheeks. He kneels in front of me and I hate that I can't get out of my chains. He's so desperate for affection, reassurance and I can't even touch him or hold him. "Gotta be strong. You need to be strong now, Xander, boy. Be strong." I tell him because I can hear the others coming down the stairs already.
"Get away from him, Spike!" Buffy screeches the moment her eyes fall on us.
"Oi Slayer! I'm not doing anything, still chained up nice and tight."
"But you are doing something..." The extent of her ignorance is impressive.
"Just because Xander is all over me doesn't mean I magicked him somehow. I'm just that irresistible." Play it light, Spike. Look Slayer, I'm not dangerous. I'm just a dumb, arrogant vampire who's full of shit. No danger at all to you, Almighty Slayer. You can let me go. No harm done. Promise.
"Get away from him, Xander." Buffy says, in her ice queen voice and pulls a stake from behind her back.
Xander doesn't move, doesn't show any sign that he heard her at all. He just clings to me and keeps nuzzling at the side of my neck. He's gotta be hungry.
"Xander! I'm not saying it again! Get - away - from - Spike!"
Xander stiffens against me, he drags in air, steeling himself and his whole body goes into fighting mode. Not good. "Xander?" He looks up at me and, fuck, I think his eyes are gleaming. Why is he turning so fast? He presses a lingering kiss to my lips and then pushes himself to his feet. Slowly he turns and faces Buffy, his body carefully covering all of mine from her reach.
"NO." He says and it's like a pistol shot gone off in a kindergarten.
~ Xander ~
"No, Buffy, I will not get away from Spike." I say and sigh. "And put away the damn stake."
"No. Why?" Isn't it obvious?
"Because I'm not pointing a gun at you either!"
"Huh?" She actually looks weirded out. "Why do I have to put my stake away?"
"Buffy, maybe because it's not polite to have a conversation with weapons out?" Willow adds and tries to grab the stake. Buffy evades her.
"But I don't want to be polite! I want to kill Spike." She says and makes a stabbing motion. "He hurt Xander, remember Willow?" Buffy speaks as if to a child, as if Willow was the one not getting the point.
Giles takes off his glasses and starts cleaning them.
Angel comes to us and with a sharp motion of his head he indicates that he wants to look after Spike. I nod. "Get him out of the restraints, Angel.“ Just barely remembering the hierarchy, I add: “Please."
"So, what kind of tests do you want to do?" I ask and look each of them in the eyes. My friends, my worthless friends.
"I don't think there are any tests necessary." Giles says and Willow starts crying. Riley gets into fighting stance.
I can't believe they actually talked everything through. What do we do if Xander is a vamp whore? Oh we kill him. Or Spike. Or better both. Making plans is not Buffy's way of slaying - she rarely makes plans. Only for the real big enemies. Guess I count as one of them now? "So what? You wanna kill me now?"
"No, Xander! How could you think that! We're only after Spike!" Willow says and manages to sound wide-eyed with innocence and aggrieved. "We would never hurt you."
"But you hurt me if you kill him!“ I’m starting to lose my patience with them, with all of them. What else shall I do to make them believe I’m with Spike, free will and all. “Why would you kill him anyway?"
Riley snorts - Angel and Spike growl in stereo.
"Xander, when we found you... you were... there was blood and you could barely stand and it was obvious that Spike, look, he raped you." Willow sobs.
"That's not what happened-"
"This is this Oslo-thing again, yes, Giles?" Buffy asks and Giles stares at her uncomprehending for a moment, then he answers.
"It could be that Xander is indeed affected by the Stockholm-Syndrome. We don't know how long he was kidnapped by Spike and-"
"Hello? I'm in the room. How about asking me?" European capitols, my ass. And kidnapped?
"It's not like you told us anything!" Buffy screams at me, at least we're back to direct accusations. "Why now Xander, what is all this mess? You never liked Angel, or Spike and you were the one who told me to stop it when I was with Angel..."
"I was stupid. Buffy, I'm sorry. I was stupid and envious and a brat in all ways you can imagine."
"And what’s changed? What makes you think you’ve changed that much? What if you're stupid and …bratty again?"
I look at Spike and he grimaces, turns his eyes to the ceiling - too much of a chick flick moment for him. "He saved me, Buffy. He saved me when no one else could and he didn't need to. He chose to save me."
"And what did he get out of it?" Riley injects.
"Free blood." Spike smirks at Riley.
"Not helping." Angel says in Sire's voice.
"So he changed you? There was blood involved?"
"No. Yes. It's all wrong. Whatever." I throw my hands up helplessly. "What does matter is: he saved me and he didn't have to and he did it anyway."
"And now what? You owe him your services until he or rather you die? Seems to me a bit old fashioned." Giles asks.
"Look who’s talking." Angel sneers.
"If I remember right I'm not the oldest one in the room." Giles gives back.
"Yeah, but you sure look it." And Spike scores the goal like no one else can.
"So you feel like you owe him?" Willow asks with a frown on her face. "Does he pressure you-"
"No. It's not like that. He saved me and that made me see him in a new light." Can I sound anymore girly?! Spike actually snorts in the background, but his fingertips touch mine. He's finally free of the chains.
"Xander, god, what kind of mess did you get yourself into that Spike had to save you anyway? What happened that even a pathetic, disabled vampire felt the need to help you?"
~ Spike ~
Only the combined effort of Angel and Xander hold me back. I snarl and snap my fangs at the slayer like a rabid dog, spitting and growling at her. Is she just too stupid to even comprehend how blunt she's being? How she belittles him just to quip at me?
"You stupid bint! Didn't have a lot of time to think about helping after the whelp dropped in my arms half-dead after his father had fucking belted him until his bones showed through."
"Spike!" Yeah, I know, Xander doesn’t want this in the open, but they just need to understand what happened or we’ll never make it out of here.
"Wasn't the first time by any means, considering as long as Xander took it, little drunken momma didn't need to. You love your mom, don't you, slayer? Xander proved that every other night, has been taking a beating for his mom for I don't wanna even think about how long."
"Spike - will you stop it!" Xander has turned to me, but looks at the floor, embarrassed.
“No, Xander, you fucking stop it. You hid well enough for your little friends here. But you shouldn’t have needed to. Your parents hurt you and there was no one to help you until I was there---“ I break off. Fucking melodramatic soap-opera-style revealing speech. “Can we go now?“
They look stunned, these people who pretend to care for my boy. I wonder what they expected. As far as it goes, I’m done. Done with them, done with Sunnydale. I just want to get Xander and get the hell out of dodge.
“I don’t think you can go with Spike, Xander.“ Oh the bloody Slayer again. Enlighten us. “We might not have been there before and I’m really, really sorry we didn’t notice anything, but we’re here now and we won’t let you go from one violent relationship into another one!“
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